from the inside out

2008-10-09T20:48:00.003+08:00

well. those who do still come to this blog, you can see that its pretty dead. and i think its going to stay that way. i realized that all my thoughts that i have in my head i am either to lazy to blog or i intend to blog another day but after a while i just can't find the right words that i will on that time where i 1st wanted to blog or i'm just not willing to let you know. the novelty of blogging has gone and i think its time for this blog to reach its last post. in any case, those people that affect me directly will not need this blog to know what's going on in my life. maybe one day i'll come back to continue. maybe i have a secret blog. maybe barack obama will not be president of united states. maybe i'll start livejournal. maybe blogspot will delete this. maybe the world will come to end soon. who knows? but bye for now people.

"so come on and leave the years
when you watched the days go by
come on and leave the fears
that you were afraid to find
cause while you wait inside
the days go by."

2008-08-16T10:41:00.002+08:00

my brother showed me this cover of the song bleeding love. this is performed by jamie scott and the town.

"Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling"

2008-08-03T23:54:00.003+08:00

19 and 0.

both at the same day.

praise God for everything.

some word of thanks.

kevin, sophie and brandon. - for being there when i got really confused and lost all sense of direction.

my buddy group. - the the cake the birthday song and the card and the presents. thanks.

my cell group. - for staying back to support me for my baptism and for all the well wishes.

joshua k. - for being there whenever i needed someone to talk to and really being a brother to me.

joshua cheng. - for the card and encouragement.

john chew and tedric tham - for the drumstick bag. haha. =)

and all the other people who wished me and remembered. thanks a lot.

Dear God,
I thank you for all the friends and family that you have placed in my life and has been so important to me. Lord i pray that i would not take their love for granted and that i would love them back in the way that you love me. i also pray that even as i took this step of faith today as i commit my life to You, guide me and mould me to who You want me to be. let me be a light for You and forever praise Your name in joy, sorrow, pain. help me to remember Your love in everything. in times where i don't know what to do and in times when the going gets tough. Teach me to love You more and more.
in Jesus name i pray.
Amen.

"i have decided to follow Jesus,
i have decided to follow Jesus,
i have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back,
no turning back."

2008-07-13T22:40:00.002+08:00

i seriously need to rethink about what i'm doing. what i'm feeling now and what i felt a year or more ago seems so different. i stopped asking. i stopped listening. i gave in to selfish desires and i drifted without thinking much about it. i tried but i gave up trying. all the half-hearted attempts weren't enough. having the self delusional thought that maybe somehow i could find my way back slowly without doing much. but instead i drifted further and further and somehow it almost becomes an empty show.

i'm sorry.

You deserve better. You deserve so much more than this. what You gave me and what You've done i could never repay. and yet i'm taking Your mercy and grace for granted.

bring me back to You.
let me feel Your touch again.
let my heart be for You and You alone.

"i'm sorry for things i've done.
and i'm coming back to You.
i lay down my foolish pride
draw me close to You, to Your side."

2008-06-20T03:04:00.001+08:00

been ages since the last post. didn't have much time since i entered the army where the weekends are pretty precious.

3 things which i would like to talked about.

1. Frujch.

it was really tiring having to do all the chores daily. peeling chicken, cutting mushrooms, slicing cucumbers, toasting sandwiches, making milkshakes. however, i did have a lot of fun doing all this and i did make lots of friends throughout the whole period. once it had to come to an end, it was like saints orchestra all over again. i didn't want to leave this place. there will be a lot of things that i wouldn't forget. performing 'high and dry' with nab, trash talking with malcom, getting scolded by shal, shermeen apologizing non stop, going through shit with yinxi, and many wonderful moments with the rest of the frujchaholics.

frujch. where your love has always been enough for me.

2. Basic Military Training

enlisted on the 25th of april to begin my 1st phrase of training to be soldiers. it was much better than i expected. i had always thought that i would get knocked down like every single day and the average will be like 200-300 per day. but surprisingly, i think my entire BMT i did total 200-300 push ups. field camp was horrible though, having to live in total constriction and discomfort. i really hate the feeling of not having any light and you cant do anything. shellscrap was torturous too. both the digging and the sleeping. but being in PES C was both a blessing and a jinx, we were not push so hard due to the various limitations that we suffered, and we not required to do much. however, there was no chance of going into command school at all. through it all. i really thank God for his blessing, especially for my section and my commanders. i had a great section who never fails to cooperate and help each other, and also a wonderful buddy, who turn out to be the company's best. my commanders helped us a lot and was a brother as well as a teacher to us. my sergeants even help me to dig my shellscap. all in all, though it has many pointless things in army, and its a waiting game most of the time, it taught me a lot of things, tolerance, sacrifice, discipline, looking out for one another, and i passed out a different person that stepped into pulau tekong 7 weeks before.

3. posting and life beyond.

going to get my posting in like 7 hours or so. i do want a 8-5 job, but i do not want a clerk job, it would be pretty pointless for the next 1 year and 10 months if i get posted to be a clerk. hope they post me somewhere where i'll enjoy the work, i wouldn't mind intelligence or something like that.
i got accepted into NUS faculty of arts and social science, and it most likely will be where i'm studying as all the business faculty have rejected my application. but its okay as i do have interest in the course offered, so maybe it would be something i enjoy.

feeling confused now thinking of what i'll be doing and what im doing with my life now. its all in a mess and im leaving God out of it pretty much. everything feels dry and im hoping for things to make sense soon.

"a lonely road, crossed another cold state line
miles away from those I love, purpose hard to find."

2008-03-27T14:30:00.002+08:00

"i don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you."

2008-02-21T01:37:00.000+08:00

its more than a month since i last blog. been really busy at work and its pretty tiring to update like frequently. and i currently don't have like an avalanche of feelings running through my head and heart so there's no need to write them down here.

having an off day tmr so have the time to blog now.

ok. the 3 things that i stumbled upon and made me think quite a lot.

1st.
it really seems that somehow all of us has grown up. in such a way that its so difficult to keep in touch with one another. we used to meet at the prata stall at kovan every friday for dinner. and just talking and having a whale of a time. with all the army enlistment, work, and studies driving us apart, its been like ages since we ever had an outing. and even if we do, it will be only a few of us. i do miss the times where we could all gather together. i really don't know how to plan anything. and its not that i don't want to. its just clashes with one another. booking in,work, meetings, church, tuition.

2nd.
a level results. rumors hav been flying since the start of this month and it has been going on and on and on. and i have no idea when the result is really coming out. and its like, people hav been asking me where i want to go. and my answer will be, SMU business. somehow i worry a lot that i won't be able to go anywhere with my results. its unnecessary worrying i do know. and what i can do its to wait for my results and see. its something that has been at the back of my head every single day. a lingering feeling that doesn't seems to fade.

3rd.
i thought i would be glad to get out of being a student and be actively working. but after a month. i realised that i don't really like working life that much. its not that i don't like it. but its just mundane. at school, you learn new things that you don't want to learn, you talk with friends about how you hate the new things, you learn how to do the things you don't know how to do. but at work, you just do. and do. its like an endless cycle. and its like everyday im trying to find an escape of the routine that i go through.

actually i do have much more stuff on my head, and its either i am too lazy to type it out or that i don't want to.

ok. thats all for my rants.

Dear Lord, i thank You for all the things that you have place in my life. for all the blessing that i have received. i pray that You will help me to find meaning in everyday. help me to treasure the friends that i've made in work. help me to accept the things i can't change. i pray that in everything, that You will increase and i decrease.
in Jesus name. Amen.

"this is your life
is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose"

2008-01-14T01:19:00.001+08:00

my 100th post. and it will be about a story of wooden people called wemmicks.

The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village.

Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, everyday, the Wemmicks did the same thing: they gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers. Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another.

The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots. The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes.

Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars.

Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star.

Others, though, could do little. They got dots. Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give more dots. After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.

"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person."

After a while Punchinello believed them. "I'm not a good Wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.

One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lucia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick. Some admired Lucia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either.

"That's the way I want to be," thought Punchinello. "I don't want anyone's marks."

So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.

"It's easy," Lucia replied. "Every day I go see Eli."

"Eli?"

"Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him."

"Why?"

"Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there." And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away.

"But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out. Lucia didn't hear.

So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots.

"It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to go see Eli.

He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything. The stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm.

Punchinello swallowed hard. "I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave.

Then he heard his name.

"Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong.

Punchinello stopped.

"Punchinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you."

Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman.

"You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked.

"Of course I do. I made you."

Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks."

"I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard."

"Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think."

"You don't?"

"No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."

Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"

Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."

Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this - much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.

"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.

"I came because I met someone who had no marks."

"I know. She told me about you."

"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"

"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The

stickers only stick if you let them."

"What?"

"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."

Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.

"Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."

Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he really means it." And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.

--Written by Max Lucado

how many times in life do we screw up big time? how many times do i find myself caring more for what others think about me rather than what God thinks? how many times do i try to get stars and earning the praises of men? how many times do i get so affected by the dots that stick? and how much do i try to defend myself against God for all the wrong that i do.

pretty much everytime.

i want to learn to be like punchinello. to really trust in my Maker's love, such that one day, the dots and stars will not stick but fall off.

my heart is yearning to be in Your presence once more.

"how great You are
You are the mighty king
and You've come to reign in me."

2008-01-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

had a talk with chris today. or yesterday rather.

chris raised many questions that i had never though b4 about joining psalmist. and i do realised that i hav to get right with God before i can join psalmist for the right reasons.

and im going to make sure i get my life in tune with God first, then i would take this step, even if it takes a long time. and im going to wait for His direction.

so now its closer to where i started in chasing after You.

" i've found out a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is You."

2008-01-03T01:04:00.000+08:00

WARNING.
this post will be about reflections for the year 2007 & expectations for 2008.
it might bore you out totally. and of you cannot take anymore of such post, with all the emo stuff and ramblings of my life, you can leave now.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. =)

2007.
two simple word can sum up the main part of this year.

saints orchestra.

all the time in the co room, all the laughing and getting pissed off, all the practice sessions, all the talking about causing an upset at SYF, all the fun time at camps, orientations, concerts, all the food that mdm hue cook, having to try and figure out whats going on even when i don't know exactly.

it has definitely been a fulfilling time and an experience of a lifetime. such that it was so tough to let it go.

i've grown so attached to it that i lost sight of what was suppose to be my focus. luckily God brought me back in time.

other than co, every other thing seem to have zoom pass, including my A levels. at the end of the day, i could only say i worked hard for math. practicing everyday. but at the expense of my chem. the rest i practically touched only on the surface. and for geog only the surface of the surface.

end of a levels was like the best time of the entire year. going out everyday, going for camps and chalet without a care of what's coming next. except army of course, but that shall be touched under 2008.

then came an incident on the 22nd dec, im not going to say it, but it has been affecting me quite a lot and had set me thinking all over again. im unable to do anything about it, which makes it all the more painful. hopefully it will not turn out to be as bad as i imagine. but according to someone, it seems to be happening at their side. and i really hope it wouldn't be the same in our case.

then came the holiday seasons and many great moments at the various outings with elohim and the usual ppl.

what really caught me was thanksgiving during watchnight service. i was really amazed and embarrassed at how one could keep praising and thanking God in all circumstances, and sometimes even through the darkest of times.
many times, when something bad or something that really pushes me down come my way, its usually " Why, God?" and not "Thanks, God." when in the midst of suffering, when everything is taken away, when i really hav no idea what is going on, and when life look so bleak, i really wish i could raise my hands high and say "Blessed be Your name."

the end of 2007.

2008

i found a job at frujch, thanks to malcom. its a damn cool place with two pool tables, 1 air hockey table, 1 PS2,1 xbox 360, 1 table soccer. and that's only the games. the decor is like super nice and its a great place to relax. the place is inside SMU. the uni that i really want to go to. so even if i cannot enter, at least i would have seen much of the place. and the best thing is, i do not hav to work on weekends, which leave my saturdays and sundays free for cell and church. God has really bless me with a job that suits all the timing that i need.

and tmr, or this afternoon rather, im going to have a talk with chris to look into the possiblilty of me joining psalmist(worship ministry) and playing the drums. have been wanting to play drums for a really long time and hopefully that is something i can play for God.

starting work on monday, so a few days left to enjoy.

new year resolutions.

1. to really place God 1st in everything.

2. to stay faithful in all circumstances.

3. to be an example for Him in army.

4. pray for salvation for my family and friends.

5. stay in touch with people in sajc.

"i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
and i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you"

2007-12-25T01:37:00.000+08:00

feeling really confused and lost right now. i seriously don't know how its going to be. day by day it seems like its falling apart. and im unable to do a single thing.
God, i need your help.

i hate feeling like this on christmas.

"i'm staring out into the night,
trying to hide the pain."

2007-12-24T00:41:00.000+08:00

its CHRISTmas for a reason. not SANTAmas.

"how many times, have i broken Your heart,
but still You forgive, if only i ask
and how many times, have You heard me pray
draw near to me"

2007-12-14T11:01:00.000+08:00

Witness camp 2007 - 7th to 10th December

was in group 8, or Gr8 as we called ourselves. we had the best identity, the most musically enhanced cheers. and all in all, great fun.

it was my 1st time leading a group in youth camp, so it was really a heavy responsibility on me and my co leader, cheryl. luckily it was her second time, and thus was able to lead me through the parts where i was confused about what to do. overall, i think we did pretty well for 2 really inexperienced leaders. for all the cell group time and cheers and giving out instructions.

everything about our group was integrity, it didnt matter that we lose, all we hav to do is play fair and enjoy ourselves, and im really glad that we did. and we really did lose a lot. i even joke to john and tedric that we DELIBERATELY lose to other groups to bless others, and it was an act of kindness.

on the last night, nigel was really hilarious, debating with jason in hokkien. it was enough to attract a large no. of people to sit down and watch them. super super funny.

Witness, the camp theme. i guess it really did made an impact for many of us. at least for my group though.

its really amazing to see how God move throughout this camp. really glad and heartening to see how God has spoken to them.

got to know much more people and also to know people that i didnt know well better. especially people like quan ju, elena, charis, cheryl, daly, gabriel.

feeling pretty emo now. i know i shldnt be. but its like the year has really ended and i really dunno what's in store for me in the next 4 months before i enter army. also with the entering of many friends (with kevin gone alr and andrew tmr), and the upcoming release of a levels result. everything seems quite ...... i dunno. But im going to hold on to God which i know will guide me in my path.

"and i would give the world to tell your story
cause i know that You called me
i know that you called me
i've lost myself for good within Your promise
i won't hide it
i won't hide it."

2007-12-07T00:54:00.000+08:00

have been really busy after holidays. haven even found 1 day to slack yet. think im going to take 1 day next week to push away all appointments and just sit at home and do nothing.

super tired with all the rushing about from 1 place to another.

Children's camp! though its over like 4 days alr.

omega!

we had the best cheers! ( in my opinion of course) haha. especially the umbrella cheer.

mega, mega, meg meg meg. totally hillarious.

introducing omega!
from left we have christine and sheena, two girls that was really quiet throughout the camp except to say to me. " you very weird leh!" or " weirdo"
then there's angelica!. she really really mature for her age. and real smart too. like really really smart. she even spelled something that i couldn't spell at all.
behind me is jian ming. our intern. he can really communicate with kids, and really patient to deal with them.
sarah liew!. oh gosh. she's like one of the cutest girl (the other being shannon) i ever met. she jumped on my umbrella while chasing for it and broke the whole thing. super funny.
and joel, who is 12 and still act like a kid. like really childish. but after i sort of scolded him he actually stepped up and become a big brother for the group. really impressed.
jane tor! my co leader. she's like super high for this camp. when i had no more energy she still can like do so much. power.
jacky. the small boy who always comes out with random comments that makes no link at all. especially bout the one where he says where to get bible. shocking.
auntie pauline. our camp parent. she's more then double of my age with 3 kids and yet can do much more than me. think its the mother-power that every mum will possess. she also gave all the leaders a keychain with our name, and guess what, mine has my favourite verse on it. very coincidental.
nathaniel. the boy with a pink soft toy pig. he's super brave though. dealing with his heart problem. but real irritating. haha. keep defying orders.
and lastly amos. super quiet keep except when in the bunk where him, joel and nathaniel will wreck havoc.
but i still love them all the same. =) OMEGA!

it was tiring but really fun. running around with the kids from 1 place to another, putting them to sleep, cleaning up after them.

rewarding experience. especially when a kid came out to share and said that he learn that LIFE HAS UPS AND DOWNS.

not that we don't know about it. but for it to come out from a kid was really impactful. and all of the helpers and adults went " woahhhh..." when he said it.

and when asked what to do about it, he replied, " endure, and with the help of God, we can pull through."

how true. in our own lives, we seldom seek God in the times when we need Him the most. so this was something for me to take back from the camp.

best trade of the camp was a 3 cheers to another group for washing of toilets.
(no prize for guessing which side was i at)

been busy the past 4 days due to the preparation of the next camp, which is coming like 7 hours time.
but i believe that in midst of all the busy-ness and tiredness, God is going to pull me through!.
wont be online the next few days.

thats all for now.

"i won't turn left
i won't turn right
i will not stray form the path that's right
i'll keep on seeking
i'll keep on reaching
i'll follow, follow, follow Jesus Christ
i'm fixing my eyes on You ( fixing, fixing)
i'm fixing my eyes on You ( fixing, fixing)
i'm fixing my eyes on You
only You."

2007-11-17T03:35:00.000+08:00

A LEVELS IS OVER! finally.

sweet.

all in all. though it doesn't seem like i will do well, but i shall say john chew trademark words.
what will be, will be.

at most next year private candidate.

some word of thanks.

first to DOMINIC TAN CHER FONG. my chem would have been much worst without you.
thanks classmate from primary 6D, sec 3E and sec 4E. haha.

ANTHEA for studying GEOGRAPHY. (yes, geog) with me.

and the usual people who studies till late. john, eugene, gloria, mark, kevin, hui kee.
had a fun time i tell you. though its studying. all the pastamania and stuff.
especially soccer on the friday before econs. kevin's goal was classic.

sophie quek for talking to me when i feel bored and emo. haha.

to the people that prayed for me. thanks.

and of course, God, for bringing me through this entire stretch. from falling sick on the 1st day of paper until today.

my God is mighty to save. =)

looking forward to a good break.
and now i will have the time to think about it.

"and i am contemplating matters,
all this cling and clatter in my head
and what you said is ringing, ringing faster "

2007-10-29T16:09:00.000+08:00

Blessed Be Your Name

blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
where the streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

blessed be Your name
when i'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blessing You pour out
i turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in, Lord
still i will say

blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

blessed be Your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's all as it should be
blessed be Your name

blessed be Your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be Your name

this song really struck me yesterday. i really felt at lost at what to do for the coming a levels and about other matters. then God sort of pop this song to me. on the road marked with suffering and when there's pain in the offering, still i will say.... blessed be the name of the Lord!

i know that God will pull me through. though im unprepared and i really dun wan to think about the grades im going to get, i believe that He has a plan. so yup. im going to leave it all to Him.

okay. i broke my promised and i blogged before my a levels ended.

"staring at the blank page before you
open up the dirty window
let the sun illuminate the words
that you could not find
reaching for something in the distance
so close you can almost taste it"

the blank page would be math and geog, the words i cant find would be GP where they say in your own words.
and i could almost taste the GP paper. 2 days.

2007-10-11T23:47:00.000+08:00

11-10-2007

last day. the official last day in sajc. and you know what, goodbye wasn't that hard. i know im going to miss a lot of things. but i didn't feel like really sad or anything. maybe because it is really time to go.

i thank God for o6s28, and most importantly, i really really really thank God for miss sunarfa, for every single thing she has done for me and the class.
best civic tutor. EVER.

YOU ARE THE BEST!

prelims result was really bad.

chem: B
math: U
econs: S
geog: U
gp: E

rank points was even worse than BT2.

its....... time to work harder.

im studying because.

1. i want to glorify God with my result.
2. i dun want to disappoint miss sue, miss wong, mdm hue and of course my parents
3. a part of me still wants to go SMU, though im not going to choose what uni i wan go.

so thats for the final post until i finish my a levels. you will not see me online until the 16th of Nov.

and after that day, im going to say to kevin, " i woke up today and realised that i don't have to study anymore."

sweet.

"before us and beside us still holden by thy hand
a cloud of unseen witness our elder comrades stand
one family unbroken, we join in one acclaim
one heart, one voice uplifting, to glorify thy Name."

2007-09-22T01:33:00.003+08:00

been a hell of a week.

so many things coming over my head, adding on to the huge workload of incomplete studies in math and geog(due to excessive skipping and sleeping during lectures and tutorials) that i have to catch up before the A level arrives in about 5 weeks time.

having a huge variant in moods over the past few days.

argh. i really hate all of this. having to cope with what i'm trying to achieve and the emotions that takes over every single thing that i do.

God. pls help me through.

"i’m 15 years for a moment
caught in between 10 and 20
and i’m just dreaming
counting the ways to where you are"

2007-09-18T23:00:00.000+08:00

hmmm. getting back papers tmr. i dunno how it will go. hopefully better.
and then back to studying once again.

"and even when i dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
i still miss you."

2007-09-12T00:49:00.001+08:00

how we miss those days.

"another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go."

2007-09-06T01:41:00.000+08:00

ok. i need to do something about my studying.

been slacking the past two days. wanted to really get down to study after the retreat but i just dun seem like being able to.

i really need to find a study buddy.

someone that could follow a routine of going to the same place at the same time. and then study study and study.

so if u are that kind who also have to follow a routine, pls call me. i need some help. i dun wan to fail my a levels.

will be actively looking for one in the meantime.

anyway. had a really weird dream the day after cell retreat. i dreamt that by some kind of chance, i was transported back into time.

i still remember the date. 11.11.2006.

i hav no idea why this date came out. but still. it felt like it was really happening. and i was super happy at this. i was really glad that im going to get a second chance.

i was so happy in my dream that i was going around asking ppl what was the date just to make sure. then i started thinking.

i thought about really studying for my a levels and not leave everything until the last minute like i am now.
i thought about getting my life back into place and put priorities on what is most important.
i thought about the mistakes that i made and how i was going to avoid them.
i thought about how i'm going to enjoy co once again.

then came the scary part.

then i dream that on one occasion when i was in co, i turn and looked at them. am i going to tell them that we're going to get a silver in the end? then at that moment, huimin ask me about mr yeo. i was really shocked. am i going to tell her that he is going to pass away in a few month's time? i didn't know what to do. i felt helpless. i felt like i know so many thing's but i can't say so as not to hurt them. it was really frightening.

after that i sort of drifted into another place and i forgot what happen till i woke up and realised its the 4th of sept 2007.

this made me think a lot. do i really want to go back and live my life once more? there's many things that i would say i rather it did not happen. there's are a whole lot of mistakes i wished i didn't make.

maybe God was telling me to stop living in the past and start to look at what lies ahead. thru the retreat and this dream and the show i saw a few hours ago. it seems to point to that.

no point holding on to these memories and thinking that it is happening right now.
maybe i have to giv up what's left in my heart about saco that im holding on so dearly.

its time to let go.

"its funny how things turn around
one day i am lost then i'm found"

2007-09-03T13:46:00.000+08:00

retreat 2007.

a great time of fellowship, fun, and rest.

a big thank you to issac, cristal, rachel and garry for making all of this possible.
all the cleaning up, settling stuff, cooking, and planning.

i won't go into details of what happened, but there is one last thing...

I BELONG TO ELOHIM.
it says so on my shirt. =)

" i'm going home to the place where i belong
where you're love has always been enough for me"

2007-08-29T22:18:00.000+08:00

" i'm the one who wants to be with you
deep inside i hope you feel it too
waited on a line of greens and blues
just to be the next to be with you"

2007-08-28T16:19:00.000+08:00

1st day of prelims was bad.

goin to fail econs once again.

12 more weeks till the end of a levels.

thats just too long.

"i'm barely hanging on."

2007-08-24T00:14:00.000+08:00

this week was... let's say, not very pleasant. got really stressed out on tuesday. really felt as though i couldn't take it anymore and i just wanted to end it there and then.

thank God its friday.

which means the week is coming to a close and no matter what happens, God always tells me that he will pull me through. been like this the whole week, when i felt like giving up, He will assure me that everything is ok. and that no matter how well( or badly to be more specific) i do for prelims, it wouldn't matter after i die would it? but still, im goin to try and do my best( though my best is not good) and glorify His name.

ok. i know i should be studying instead of typing this, but i guess this counts as a form of stress release for me. and i found out that i need quite a lot of stress release after everyday if not i will go crazy with studying. i cant study for nuts.

prelims is in 3 days time. the word to describe it all is unprepared.

i must improve. no more BSSSU.

must at least get BEEEU. so at least my rank pt look so much nicer. from 34 jump to 49. sweet.

its one of those nights where the emo side of me disappears. so no emo post for today. =)

i love fridays.

"i wish for you on a falling star
wondering where you are
do i ever cross you're mind
in the warm sunshine?"

2007-08-13T22:56:00.000+08:00

forced to live in this mess i've made.

please come and be my escape. can't hold on any longer.

2007-08-04T01:14:00.000+08:00

3rd august, 2007.

a day of surprises, disapointment, being really touched and a painful experience.

surprises. started off in the homeroom of o6s28. i really didnt expect them to celebrate my birthday at all. but well, i was indeed surprised to hav them to singing the birthday song and bringing the cake in. couldn't express how i felt about it. thanks again guys.

then came GP. it was definitely the most painful experience. being taupok-ed. i wouldn't say i enjoyed it though. but it was certainly something for me to look back to when i think about this day.

then at 4pm, came another surprise. hmm. to keep it simple, saints orchestra rocks. the j1s really put quite a lot of effort into the surprise. thanks for the cake and the card. felt really touched that you guys bothered even though im no longer in saco. and huimin too. being the only j2 in a room full of j1s. you guys really made this birthday unforgettable.

dinner wif hei xie hui. as usual, the night was full of laughter. damn disappointed that we didnt get to watch any movie. but then, having the company of you guys is enough.

word of thanks:

to shiyun. thanks for helping me pass the day with your messages and encouragements. and of course playing a part in the surprise. the nicely folded 10 dollar notes, the card and the presents. it really turn out being better.

to huimin, thanks for the surprise and the time at the co room thinking about the joy of being in saco and making me miss co all over again. also for the card and the presents.

to saints orchestra juniors. thanks for orgainising all of this. really appreciate it.

to o6s28. thanks for the birthday wishes when i least expected it. it never cross my mind that my birthday would consist of this.

to jerome, wei ying, justin, glen, zhen, matt, nigel and leonard. thanks, but never again. almost died.

to kong, kheng ming, yao feng, zi ming delon, brandon, eugene. thanks for the birthday wishes and all the time spent tonight.

to the three Us club( yunguan, ye han and hui qi), thanks for that cute/stupid looking/funny/"cool" drums and shakers.

thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday today. you guys made this day special.

Father Lord, i just want to thank You for all these people that really make a difference in my life. i pray that You will teach me to treasure them and love them like You do. help me to never take anyone of them for granted. i really want to thank You for all of them. in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

i could stay lost in this moment forever.

2007-08-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

a summary of block test result.

Chem - B
Econs - S
Maths - S
GP - S
Geog - U

except for chem, everything else is totally horrible. not much time left to prelims. better make sure i dun waste my 2 years.

the mugging starts now.

the mug is on.

who will mug the day?

mug your fears away.

im a mugger. and proud of it.

ok. on an angrier note, im really unhappy the way how the college never seems to take our silver as an achievement. does all our effort mean nothing to the college? its always band, dance band, dance. YES. THEY GOT GOLD. BUT DOES THAT BLOODY MEAN THAT WE DO NOT DESERVE ANY RECOGNITION?

im not just saying about CO. it applies to many other CCAs. "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NICHE CCA." but why does the whole rugby team get the team sajc shirt but volley ball team only has a limited amount? does that mean that as long as we dun play rugby, we cant dance and we cant play a band instrument means we are second class student?

now on another thing.

respect have to be earned. to earn respect, you have to give it. but i do see that is sorely lacking. the way you talk to people, its just plain rude. you ask a question he tried to answer. but what was the "whatever" for? its unnecessary and just plain hurting to that person. i dunno about others, but im sorry to say that u haven't earn any respect from me.

thats for all the rants and complains.

FOR NOW. i shall aim for the 3 letter that its on everyone's mind.

AAA.

i feel it in my heart but i don't show it.

2007-07-29T23:41:00.000+08:00

looked through what i hav to study b4 block test. and found out that i need to squeeze 1.5 topics everyday.

including those that i dun even noe at all.

i dunno what to do for the next few weeks. everyday seems so hard to get by.

trapped in the past i just can't seem to move on.

2007-07-23T19:19:00.000+08:00

1st day at school without having a place to belong.

and it really sucks.

what could make the next few months in sajc like how it was when i had saints orchestra.

i really dunno.

i want to fill this new frame, but it's empty.

2007-07-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

seems so hard to just say goodbye.

it really hurts.

2007-07-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

in loving memory of mr yeo puay hian.

who can ever forget your patience.
no matter how badly we played, you never got angry.
you were as kind as you could be.
you never ask for anything more, juz wanting to serve saco.
i'm glad He set you free from sorrow.
we'll never see that smile again.

thanks for all you've done.

2007-07-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

1st week of blog test is over. dun really wan to comment about it. some ups most downs.

how can some ppl be so smart?.. on thurs, we had gp in the morning and chem in the afternoon. went to library after gp and studied for a while. as many were getting out of the library, worried/anxious about the paper, i saw SZE PING looking thru the movies VCDs. and when i tell her chem leh u still like can see wat movie she replied, "long weekend ahead."

wow. i wish i head brains like that. or instead wish i had the will power to study like that.

went to co room after that as i wanted to see the DSA people. but then we weren't allowed in. so we sat outside co room and talk. talked about studies, exams, etc etc.. realli going to miss all this co times. even just joking around, playing a fool(putting weiling's shoe inside my shoe), walking to the mrt and crapping all the way could be something special. this has to be the one and only thing that i dun regret to coming to SAJC.

i've been searching but i just don't see the signs.

2007-06-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

ok... holidays are over... i know that many of you all will say.. why the hell am i blogging, i shld be studying instead... but i'll juz thought i need to say a few things. and apologize for many broken promises.

sorry to miss wong, mdm hue, mr low. i noe im going to disappoint u all again in this block test. especially miss wong. i really have no idea whats in the econs notes. its too late for consultation also. and despite promising you that i will try to get a C for this test. sorry.

sorry to miss sue. i didnt kept what i had to do. even after the concert and everything has ended, i didnt put my heart and mind down to study, and nothing productive was achieved. didnt even managed to complete all my subjects. i am not going to get a good set of results as u hope i would.

however... though there's nothing much that i did managed to study.. i'll try my very best for this block test. and after this.. no matter how badly i will do...

im going to wake up my idea. i will. im really sorry for all the promises im going to break.

my weakness is that i care too much.

2007-06-19T02:09:00.001+08:00

after 30 hours of famine... we finally came thru..

vincent wang yaoli... had not eaten for 30 hours straight!...

2007-06-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

its 3 days after the concert.

dun think i'll get used to every tuesday, wednesday and friday when school reopens. not being able to say, " got CO" when people ask me where im going or want to ask me out.

still missing everything. the sound, the people, the laughter, the heart, the goal.

take a look at the ordinary, don't need to look for paradise
you could be next to an angel in disguise.

2007-06-06T03:13:00.000+08:00

2007-06-05T02:03:00.000+08:00

its all over.

1 and a half years.

it all came to an end tonight.

it feels as though a commitment had been lifted off, but yet i have grown so attached to it that it has already become a part of me. it wasn't part of my life. it was my life.

this was where my collge life became eventful.
this was where i found friends which i noe will last a lifetime.
this was where i got angry.
this was where i knew i belong.
this was where i wasn't afraid of being who i am.
this was where things fall apart.
this was where we fixed them.
this was where we created history.
this was where i found joy.
this was where i get pissed off so often.
this was where we dared to dream.
this was where i lost control.
this was where we fought.
this is saints orchestra.

the concert ended about 6 hours ago, but the ligering feeling is still there. i dun wan this to end. i really dun.

2007-05-31T16:23:00.000+08:00

pls msg me or call me if you wan tickets. thanks.

2007-05-26T21:12:00.000+08:00

i dun wan this to happen. i wan it back to where it was. could some1 juz bring me back to 16days ago?

2007-05-12T15:26:00.000+08:00

i guess im not the only one that doesn't want all of this to end. syf is over, and all i could think of was,"we won't be together for long anymore."

1 performance.
1 camp.
1 concert.

that's the it. never will we be together in the room once more and just playing our hearts out. it will juz end there. i will have to leave the only place where i felt that i belong in sajc.

2007-05-10T22:10:00.000+08:00

i believe that we is not there by chance. we are brought together for a reason. and i thank God for each and everyone of u guys.

saints orchestra. one family unbroken.

2007-05-04T00:19:00.001+08:00

a quick summary of my past 1 month.

Block test result.

H2 Maths C
H2 Chem S
H2 Econs U
H1 Geog D
H1 GP U

what can i say?... not the kind of result i should be getting. letting a lot of people down wif it... miss sue remarks says "vincent must wake up his ideas before it is too late!"... well.. will have to wake up... but living the SYF dream at the moment and not intending to wake up till its achieved.

PW result.

D.

yup. D. after all those weekends in toa payoh macs and doing all those stuff. and its a D. A big thanks whoever that are giving the results. i guess the elites in whatever school are more impt to you all. hope this will help the singapore economy in 10 to 20 yrs time. while ppl like us will hav to apply for jobs with our employers thinking we do not have teamwork at all. Thanks.

this result came out before the co orientation, and was quite distressed by it. had a whole array of thoughts flying thru my mind. thanks to yi jia for all the time spend trying to talked sense into me. These thoughts vanished in the midst of practice and God spoke to me about celebrating dissapointment during quiet time that night. though it still will affect my A levels... but well... i better WAKE UP MY IDEAS so that i can go into SMU.

A series of unfortunate events.

had a lot of things happening the past month that made me angry, or using hokkien, du lan. in 1 day i could hav at least 3 things pissing me off. the venues of the 5 major events that took place are: 5.outside cc. 4.in the cc. 3.06s28 classroom. 2. general office. 1. the feedback board.

the feedback board.

does this look familar?... ignoring the reply posted, i would like to say hi to that person that wrote that and buy him coffee someday. instead of giving such feedbacks, maybe you could spend sometime in ur studies and get 80 pts for ur blocktest. then maybe i would listen to you, as i wan to get 80 pts for my blocktest. i can see the intelligence in such a feedback. they say no personal attacks. and you attacked a whole CCA. quite smart ar?.. no personal attacks but never say no group attacks. =) ... all i can say is that maybe u could use ur brain a little and see what could this feedback do. maybe by using ur brain u could prevent it from getting rusty and maybe getting 80pts for ur blocktest. give up and WAKE UP YOUR IDEA. the co is not some sort of pushover CCA. we will get a result in SYF and throw it back at ur ________(dear readers, insert any words that you like here) smiley face that you drawn. it will be sad face soon enough, and we will be smiling =).

saints orchestra

the past 2 weeks have wizzed past. spend almost every afternoon in the co room, training and retraining. woke up at 515am on the 30th of april and rushing to SCH for a rehearsal. though the 1st run sucked big time, i guess it displayed clearly on where is our weaknesses are so that we could wake up our ideas and over come it.

its only 6 days to syf. i guess that all of us have already felt the pressure and are really striving so that we will cause an upset at this year central judging competition. really encouraged by david's improvement yesterday. was so surprised that i was grinning while playing my own part. in juz a mere 2 days he managed to get everything right. i was alr on the verge of trying to get some1 to substitute the dangerous part where he shocked me wif it. oh well... hard work does pay off. =)

i guess after this SYF, CO will never be the same again. no mattter what result we get, it will never be the same. 10th may. SACO will make history.

6 days, 144 hours, 8640 mins. how much difference can this time make?... we shall see wont we? =)

2007-04-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

sumthing bad happen 2day... really really bad... not going to talk about it here... but really thank God for the forgiveness shown by this brother.

thanks ted. you are the best.

2007-03-25T23:18:00.000+08:00

block test over... and i dun wan to talk about it....

had a great time during co outing to sentosa on sat... had fun sun tan-ing.. playing games... but the sun was realli hot though.... sorry to a few ppl... who did not realli enjoy the outing... next time go east coast park.... wun go sentosa alr....

today woke up feeling realli tired and not well... didnt go to church and guitar course... had a great rest though... spend the time rotting away at home...

Thank God for brandon... really thank God for this brother in SA... dunno what my school life will turn out if he wasn't there...

back to school 2molo...

Father Lord,
i pray for SACO that we could realli be bonded together, to set aside all our differences with one another and juz work hand in hand towards our common goal. i pray that each and everyone of them will be able to go thru every difficulties that they might be facing now and overcome it. to fight on and not be hurt. to press on and not be detered. i pray that we will come out strong and be victorious in our final battle at the 10th of may. i pray that no matter how tiring the school curiculum would be, no matter what may come their way in thier studies, friends, family, i pray that You will help them through. Father, i thank You for this CO, for this group of people that mean so much to me. teach me to serve and lead them in the way that You want me to. i pray that each decision, each action i make would be glorifying to Your Name.

i pray for life concert and chapel this coming week. i pray that many will be touched by You. many will cross over and declare that You are their Lord and Saviour. i pray for the many friends that are going, i pray that You will work in their hearts and stir something in them.

i pray that Father, every single breath i take, You will have Your way in me. = i want to live my life for You and You alone. Lord, steal my heart and take the pain away. i dun wan to live in this defeated life anymore. im more that a conqueror becuz You love me. help me to love everyone. love for my neighbour, love for my enemies as i love myself. i want to do all this so many more will come to know You. guide me and lead me.

In Jesus Name i pray.
Amen.

2007-03-18T01:58:00.000+08:00

Jars Of Clay - Worlds Apart

i am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like Icarus i collide
With a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love
to give and die

to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tear
of a world embracing every heartache

Can i be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

to want You - take my world apart
to need You - i am on my knees
to love You - take my world apart
to need You - broken on my knees

All said and done i stand alone
Amongst remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the mercy that covers me
Did You really have to die for me?
All i am for all You are
Because what i need and what i believe are worlds apart

i look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
wipe away the crimson stains
dull the nails that still remain
more and more I need You now
i owe You more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
i gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things i cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that i despise
speak the words i can't deny
watch the world i used to love
fall to dust and thrown away

this song sort of summarise what im feeling right now... the many things that are happening wif God, class, cca, studies, friends and family. the bold lines applies to one or more of the 6 catergories. u could try matching them... the right or wrong answer will be up to you... but unless u noe me realli realli well... which now im thinking.. at least 2 ppl out there will get everything right...

pls pray for me...i really need some help to get thru the next few months... i dunno how many ppl will see this... hopefully there will be some1 who care....

2007-03-17T00:58:00.000+08:00

i seriously think im going to fail my block test... the holiday is almost over... and how much hav i studied?...

lets see...
vectors.
and.... nothing else.
thats all.

3 days in the library wif brandon and thats all i manged to get into my head... die la.
been playing too much (lightning revenaunt ziao) and slacking too much...

going to be busy the next 2 days... so yup.. i guess its going to be the overnight study camp one day before each paper... MSP here i come. =)

saw a show "letter from mars" last night... there was this guy... who help the girl thru her darkest time and they had feelings for each other. but the girl when of to some big company and she fell in love wif the VP of the company.. she totally forget bout the guy back at her hometown while he was still thinkin of her night and day...

one day the guy went to the city to find the girl.. he waited outside the building for one entire night until morning come and the girl came to work. the girl told him that he shld go. she gav him a bill and said that he shld be hungry and go buy sumthin to eat. its damn sad i tell u. i can feel the pain of the guy when she said that.

then later, the VP got bankrupt and left the girl. then some1 died or sumthin then the girl went back. she then talk to the guy and said that she always dream of this place where there was this majestic river and the guy will be sitting at the side and looking at the river, and and all she wants was to lie on his shoulders and rest.

what the guy replied?.. "im always there."

the story ended quite sadly.... the guy sort of happily drowning himself in the river... think its to signifiy that he will always be there. not sure la... complicated plot.

never though i would like this kind of show... haha.... might watch more of this kind of show soon enuff...

thats all. for this post.
nights.

im always there. if u only care.

2007-03-01T22:20:00.001+08:00

crap....

seems like everything is falling out of place one by one...

i need to hold it all together... 3 months plus more....

some1 tell me what to do...

Father Lord,
pls giv me the strength to get through each and everyday of my time at school. i really need Your help in every single step i take... help me to hear Your voice, help me to live my life in the way You wan it to be. help me to overcome every difficulties that i face wif my friends, studies and co... take me in Your arms and never let me go... i need Your grace and mercy in each thing that i do.. i need You. Jesus, come to my rescue. where else can i go?... lead me and guide me...
in Jesus name i pray.
Amen.

2007-02-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

a quick update:

for the chinese new year concert.. i guessed co did quite ok ... im juz glad that its over... the only thing that we hav to look to is the SYF... but in the time leading to it... there's going to be lots of things for me to do... going to be very very busy...
chinese new year was tiring... thought i could rest... but was more tired becuz went out too much...
still trying to catch up on tutorials.. but its realli hard with so many things i still dun understand...
still trying to adapt in school... though i might not be feeling as though its sumthin i enjoy... but i will hold on...
many many thanks to colleen for all her encouragement and prayers... =)... thanks...

so many things, so little time.

i hate the block test.

2007-02-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

an update....

been quite busy the past month...still getting ready for more busy times ahead, wif cca and schoolwork piling up... hav to work extra hard from this month onwards... muz cut down on activities... and realli put my mind on CO and the syf ahead...

though it is only one month... it seems like its been a long while... i think i studied more than i did more work this month then in the past year... we got a new conductor... co orientation over... went to asean championship semi-finals...

quite worried wif how co is going to turn out for the syf... realli hope that God will provide me people for this.... though many people say that co is like a dying thing... maybe it is in terms of the number of ppl joining... maybe it is compared wif how the band is doing...

but to me, no its not... this co is growing... we are growing so much more together... we are growing to become brothers and sisters instead of friends... i dunno( and dun care) how ppl may look at the co... it has become an integral part of my life... nothing could replace this... this might be the only thing that make my whole 2 years at SAJC worthwhile...

saints orchestra~~one family unbroken =)

this is my 1st non-emo post for a long long time... haha... =)

2007-01-04T14:12:00.000+08:00

been a long while since i last blog...

things are realli quite screwed in every aspect... school, cca, friends, homework, studies, family and a lot of other stuff.... dunno what shld i do to make everything right... sumtimes i juz stop to think if all these things am i needed?... do i actually make a difference at all??... what if one day.. i juz disappeared from chinese orchestra, from this school, from elohim, from this world... would any1 other than God care?... would anybody's heart break?.... sumtimes it juz seems like im so insignificant... that it doesn't matter if im here or not.... who would notice anyway?...
its realli hard to keep the smile on my face.....

"When you think
what difference do I make
Would anybody's heart break
I wonder
do I matter?"

2006-12-11T00:05:00.000+08:00

make me all that You want me to be.

2006-12-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

i think that sort of summarize what i feel now... i dun wan this holiday to end...
i dread school to start... to put on the white and blue uniform and waking up 6am each day..
i dun wan to go back school and go thru everything that i went thru this year all over again... i dun wan to hav my life all screwed up each and everyday..

juz hoping and praying that next year will be a better year than this year.... and pray that God will reval to me about what im askin....

2006-11-27T18:28:00.000+08:00

juz came back from helping out in the children camp.. and it was great!!!.. realli realli realli fun... though it was realli tiring.. but it was definitely worth the time and effort...

played the drums on the last night... so cool.. 1st time playing... didnt think it was good at all... haha.. but it was fun...

best of all the whole camp was my group.. GORILLA!!.. haha.. our skit was awesome..

too bad my stupid phone spoil.. then make me cannot take picture of any1.. but managed to get a few from paul...

benjamin!!.. brian's little brother.. his eyes are close becuz the light frm paul's camera was 2 strong.. jerome!!.. jane's little brother... i hav no idea why his eyes are close too.. haha...

elysia!... dun see she so small size.. national swimmer ok??? i think her timing can easily trash yours.. powerful...

games played, prizes won, voices lost, and everythin had become a wonderful memory for the past 4 days... im definitely going to help out the next children camp... =)

now to a bad part.. lost my ipod during the camp though... dunno if i dropped anywhere or sumthin.. but no matter what.. its gone alr... didn't realli felt so bad until i went to school for CO prac... didn't hav a n ipod to listen... usually my ipod will take me thru the journey to sajc.. haha.. but whos knows? God might use my ipod and make Himself known 2 sum1 using the songs and pictures in it... though i still wan my ipod back.. haha...

ok.. going to be gone 2molo for chalet till friday... so wont be online again.. =)

2006-11-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

dunno wats happening to me... these few days hav been feeling very emo... hav a lot of stuff goin thru my mind... think and think and think... though i hav no idea what am i going to do about it....

think i been into the emo mood for too many times alr... still remember that time when i felt emo.. a bite into a kit kat chunky will make make feel better instantly..

2day i ate two small toberlone and drunk 1 can of coke at one go... and nothing happens... i still felt very emo...think over use chocolate as a form of release... until it doesn't work anymore... chocolate are like drugs liddat... it might giv a moment of happiness.. but once hooked... the same dose can never be able to get back the same amount of joy... now it doesn't even work anymore...

hope this emo mood will not affect what i hav to do...

2006-11-08T01:40:00.000+08:00

update:

friday... chinese paper!!... no more!!!... haha.. finally chinese is out of my life... think im going to pon a lot of chinese lesson next year... dun realli see the use of it... think my teacher would be super pissed off wif me.. but i dun care la.. since she's alr so pissed wif me alr.. a little more wouldn't harm.. =)

when out to play soccer wif hei xie hui during the night.. reach the court at aroud 8+ and there were around 5 teams over there.. and all of them was quite good.. so didnt get to play a lot... went out to eat supper after that...

sat... played soccer in the morning wif my older bro and his army frens in the morning.. then went for cell in the afternoon.. thank God for this every week time of stress release in cell...

there was a concert wif the co at night... it was interesting.. for the 1st song.. and for the encore song.. the rest was quite boring.. but i think it will help the co a lot... we now noe how we fare...

after the concert came some arguements... about some issues... shall not say what was it about... but felt quite confused about how things were going to turn out... suddenly it seems the co became seperated... i cant feel the connection between every1... a thought came to my mind that the co will slowly crumble when every1 starts to think for themselves... and i have no idea how am i going to hold the pieces together... i dun wan to be in a co where every1 in it are juz caring for themselves and do everything without thinking for others... guys.. if u are reading this.. remember... we are working as a team... if we are going to do this, we will do it together, and finish it together... no1 is to be left behind... if we are not goin to be together, i think we can juz giv it up... no point trying for next year syf... it will be the same result... so pls... pls... giv some sacrifices for what we want to achieve...
felt super emo when i was walkin home.. dunno is it becuz of the fear of what was going to happen to the co or sumthin else.. but juz felt very emo.. took like 20mins to walk frm the mrt to my home where it usually take like about 5 mins...

sunday... went to play dota wif my cell after service.. then went to ben & jerry's for ice cream... haha.. saw celine for the second time at cathay selling ice cream... gave us extra large scoops of ice cream...

monday... was at home the whole day.. doing my I&R... finished at about 8 pm...

tuesday.. went to watch the guardian... didnt thought it was as good as i expected.. the storyline was ok only..

today.. spend the past half an hour writing how my life was for the past 4 days... yup.. thats all..

Father God,
i wan to pray for the co that You will change the co and make everyone here to be focus on what they want... even if they do not have the same goal as some of us, Lord i pray that You will keep them in as a team and help us to work together as one. Lord i pray that at this period of practice, You will juz stregthen each and every member, help them through all the practices, give them the wisdom and knowledge to work and to learn, and juz see all of us through this difficult period. Lord, i pray that You will keep this co bonded and strong, and that no one will be forgotten. and no matter what result that we get, it can bring glory to Your name. Thank You Lord for all this people who are willing to make a difference to the co. in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

2006-11-02T22:02:00.000+08:00

took this picture at the tea chapter during the chinese enrichment programme.. that time i thought it was a waste of time... but now looking back.. i doubt we will ever hav such a time again... all the best for your chinese 2molo guys!!!.. we can do it!!! =)

2006-11-01T22:04:00.000+08:00

Father Lord, i want to pray for the O and A level people, for cristal, garry, rachel, issac, naomi, landy, anna, jayce, nat, jerome, joel and ruth. Father, i pray that You juz bless them and watch over them at this peroid of time and not let them fall sick. help them to realli use watever they hav in thier studies as a form of worship unto You. let Your peace fall on them and guide them thru the whole exam period, let them noe that You are wif them at every point of time and juz help them get over the exams.

Lord i also wan to pray for brandon, that no matter what might happen... You will watch over him.. for You noe him the best and noe what he needs. i pray that he will not be discourage for anything that had happen but will still stay strong no matter what. i pray that You will juz guide him thru whatever difficult times that he might face.

Father i wan to pray for jasmin that You will give her the wisdom to make the right decision on which school she wants to go.. guide her into making a decision that she wont regret and realli live her life the way You want her to.. i pray that you will keep her focus on the chinese papers ahead and not let anything affect her now.

Father i want to pray for kevin, john, esther, joshua k and myself. help us and giv us the wisdom to do our chinese paper. Let Your peace fall on us and that we will do our best to glorify Your name..

Lord i wan to pray for the CO. Lord i juz pray that You will juz come in and change this CO. Make it a place where all of the members will find a sense of belonging and that we will be bonded together as one family. i pray that we will do whatever we could in our abilities and work hard towards our goal next year.

and Lord, i pray that You will help me live my life for You and that each breath that i take can be sumthin that will be able to praise Your name.

in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

2006-10-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

1 year seems to hav pass so quickly.. the whole year has been realli eventful.. so many up and down and everything.. but there's sumthin i wan to say to the class of 06s28...

hey people.. though i might seems like im some anti social guy or whatever... like as though i dun enjoy any of ur company.. and i am better off myself..

im not.

during the 2nd week of school.. i remember that the few of us had dinner at cafe cartel.. i realli enjoyed myself there.. though i admit that i didn't like the class at first.. i thought that it was getting better slowly by by slowly.. and after the dinner at cafe cartel had reassured me...

but as time goes on.. i was facing realli some hard times... i was feeling lost and unable to do anything.. is not that i didn't try.. but i didn't noe wat was realli going on..

since then i was realli seperated from you guys.. though some of u all tried to pull me back.. i didn't felt the need to be in.. i didn't felt the need to try and be a part.. i thought that i could go on wif my school life wifout a class to talk to...

i was wrong.. realli wrong... most of the time i was in a mess.. though i might seems that i didn't need a class... it realli wasn't the case... most of u didn't see the side of me where i was so devestated about how my JC life turn out.. i was praying real hard for things to change but it didn't.. the reason was me.. me not wanting to.. me not trying to...

remember the time where i was suppose to go for chinese but i didnt and munling called me.. but i juz shut her call and put down the phone??... i was realli desperate for things to work out that time.. each day was a torture to me at school.. i was stupid enuff to screw my own council interview and then find out that most of my better frens are in council... then everything else was in a mess.. CO that time realli crap..

but in any case.. things change after the chalet.. i felt much better after the 3 days that all of us spend together... but then.. i think the barrier is still there.. no matter how hard i try to remove it.. its quite impossible...

im sorry that i didnt join you guys on the last day of school.. the main reason of me not joining u all was not becuz i was afraid of gettting scolded for lecture.. to heck wif that.. but i tot that u all will have a much better time together wifout me being there... sum1 who does not noe or understand all of u all and be there to mess it all up... im sorry if u guys got the wrong idea..

thanks for all the time that i had spend wif u all.. things will defintely not be the same next year.. wif our class missing 7 people from the usual 25 of us...

to all in 06s28 next year..i'll try to break the barrier.. i'll try.. but pls help me ok??... i dun want to live my whole J2 like my J1 life again...

and to those that are not.. u are not forgotten.. all of u all are always going to be related wif o6s28.. for as long as God wants this mind of mine to work and not become senile....

2006-10-16T16:08:00.000+08:00

beem realli realli tired the past few days.. seriously need a rest.. the open house and exams hav already drain most of my energy... and now still hav lesons and everything resume.. why cant the school like giv us 1 day of holiday after the open house or sumthin??...

the whole week was crazy.. been changing mood like siao.. 1 minute was damn pissed the other i was happy alr.. open house preperation was wat created the many pissed times.. shant elaborate why...

lucky for me.. chinese orchestra would stop at 18 of december.. which leave me totally free for youth camp!!.. thank God... my very very 1st youth camp...

results were okay.. enuff to get me promoted... so that was a happy part...

the highlight of the week was at the open house...
i went to the lecture theatre where the sfc was and went to find kevin.. and also to try and pull the people there to join CO... then by dunno what kind of chances.. the person that i was tokin to was actually a close friend of my close friend.. we both heard each other names like dunno how long ago but we never actually met each other.. then by God's grace we actually met at the sfc booth.. haha.. Thank God for that... nice to know u amanda!! =)

thinking about sumthin last night.. my life is actually quite screwed.. i dun realli noe wat im going to wif my life.. why am i studying and doing all this things??.. realli cant find the purpose.. hoping that God can reveal to me the plans he hav for me...

" i am a flower quicky fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in an ocean
a vapour in the wind
still You, hear me when im calling
Lord You catch me when im falling
and You told me who i am
i am Yours."

2006-10-09T01:00:00.000+08:00

juz came back from my class chalet... was realli tiring to be rushing frm 1 place to another the whole of the weekend.. especially to day.. where i overshot train stations like nothing liddat... 1st frm pasir ris wanted to go go city hall.. den overslept end up in bouna vista.. then i took back to outram park wanting to go to potong pasir.. but then overslept again and ended up in punggol...

at the chalet.. rmb that the thing that struck me most was when me and xiu hui saw a kid runnin and then he accidentally fall down.. but he picked himself up.. brush away the dirt on his knees and contine to run as if nth has happen... then xiu hui commented that how we wish that as we fall we could pick ourself up juz like that... y is it that when we grow up we tend 2 take things so harshly that we are afraid to fall again if we pick ourself up?... i realli wan 2 be a child again.. without a care in this world.. playing catching and doing stupid things.. where we dun wake up everyday dreading about how we deal wif the problems that we face... praying for strength again so that i can pass all of the stuff that are goin to come my way...

Father Lord, i want to pray for landy, rachel, garry and issac, that even as they might face really tough time ahead, but i pray that Lord, You juz be wif them at this period of time where everything seems to goes wrong, when all the stress piles up and everything. Lord, juz grant them Your peace and let them be able to glorify You wif thier results. Father, i also pray for 06s28, that even as we recieved our result, let us not be disappointed and discourage by the results, but let us stay strong no matter what happens. All this i pray in Jesus name. Amen.

"this is my cry, my one desire
is to be where You are Lord,
now and forever
its more than a song, its my one desire
is to be wih You, its to be with You
Jesus."

2006-09-30T20:23:00.000+08:00

been quite a while since i last blog..... though nobody even bother to come and read alr.. but juz wan to express my thoughts and put down in words...

its in the midst of promos and everything... but i cant seem 2 settle down and do anything.. i noe that chem and econs paper are only 2 days away.. but i juz dunno how am i goin to finish everything and keep it in my head... the total no. of reagents in organic chem is already creating so much problems... much less needing to remember the different type of market structure... on the same day...

juz hoping that i can scrap thru and get promoted..

i realli hate the feeling that each time... after all the time spend in cell.. then when i leave.. reality sets back in... its like from one moment.. after all the bonding, crapping... the world juz sets back in.. when i start to remember that i hav promos, i hav to study, i hav to face wif all the problems, i have to come face to face wif everything i dun want to... and this feeling of being pressured by the world into doin sumthing i dun wan to...

after promos.. there's still the open house looming.. though im happy to be able to do things for CO... but its still putting on more stuff on the already huge load...

Father God,
i pray for strength to be able to go thru all of this.. guide me in whatever that i do. remind me in the purpose behind all of the things that im doing and juz see me thru this period.
Lord, i also want to pray for anna, landy, jayce, nat, jerome, ruth, joel, xin rui, rachel, garry, issac, cristal and naomi... give them the determination and will to study hard. let Your peace be upon them and that even as they study, juz be wif them and help them remember watever they are studying. take away all anxiety and stress.. and juz let them be able to use their studies to be a worship unto You. i pray all this in Jesus name. Amen.

2006-09-17T02:50:00.000+08:00

finally... finish my EoM... and im off to bed.. bye =)

2006-09-14T21:15:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. 12 days to promos... and after accessing how much i noe to how much time i have left.. it doesnt seems realli good.. dunno if i can actually revised everything b4 the promos..

i think i will hav 2 sacrificed my geography to complete the rest..but even if i study geog.. i dun think i will pass also.. dunno wat i hav learnt the past 8 mths...

... thanks elize for the card and the keychain... it realli help me a lot... each time i need encouragement... thanks a lot.. =)

Father Lord,
i pray for clara, pls grant her a speedy recovery, and that she will come back to school and continue her studies. keep her safe and let her be able 2 stay strong in watever she might be going thru. that in no matter what circumstances, i pray that Father, bless her and be with her. in Jesus name i pray. Amen.

2006-09-09T01:19:00.000+08:00

"we bow our hearts
we bend our knees
O Spirit come make us humble
we turn our eyes
from evil things
oh Lord we cast down our idols

so give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
let us not lift our souls to another

O God let us be
a generation that seeks
who seeks Your face, O God of Jacob"

3hrs ago.. i was touched by You once again. =)

2006-08-31T22:02:00.000+08:00

i dun understand... y do some people take their life so lightly?? y do they govern their life on whether how sucessesful they will turn out to be in the future?? is the purpose in life only about studying, getting good grades, getting into a top university, getting a great job, earning lots of money, making lots of frens, having a wide contacts, rubbing shoulders with big shots, climbing up the career ladder for the sake of fame, and living comfortably??..

i dun want to be caught into this race where all of us are juz aiming and reaching for that one peice of paper that says "degree in ______" or " honors in______" or "masters in_____"... then go on to live our life for money... is money really so impt that each 1 of us cant live wifout?..

No!!.. it might be impt for every1 of us to get a cert.. but God has a plan for each 1 of us.. he had already plan it out nicely from before we were born till the day we die and join Him... but wat is impt is that we do everything for Him. As long as we do our best, lift everything up to Him, he will take care of all our needs.

i dun noe when will God come and take me away.. when will his plan for me in this planet end.. and be called to be by His side forever... but before that, i want to live my life for Him.. praying for strength to be able to achieved that...

"i got one life to live
its gonna be all its means to be
there no turning back
im gonna walk this path You have for me
and if i stumble
i know that You're holding me

Lord help me remember
that there's nothing better
then all the plans You have for me
give me the strength
to live my life for You."

2006-08-24T21:44:00.000+08:00

it seems like im gettin more and more used to this feeling already.... though it still feels really different becuz of my character... but at least it is a starting point... might juz get perfectly familar with it....

still having trouble adjusting to wat people want from me... though i noe wats important is not for people, but wad God wants, but i still hav a certain expectations to meet.... still trying hard to meet them..

thanks anna for the card... was feelin much better that day becuz of that encouragement... thanks so so much...

things are not realli going well.. with me making lots and lots of mistakes in CO and school.. watever i already done cant be taken back... and im still thinkin on how am i goin 2 make up for my mistakes.. pray that i will hav the wisdom the next time i do sumthin and not repeat the mistakes again..

seems like each and everything that i do there will be people that becomes unhappy with my actions.. like wat landy says in his nick.. disobedient to the world to be obedient to You.. i dun mind even if the whole world hav a problem wif my actions... but im still trying to be obedient to You, to live my life for You... pls giv me the strength and will to do it...

"and i have believed in a lie
that You are unable to help me
but now, O Lord, i see my wrong
heal my heart and show Yourself strong
and in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified."

2006-08-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

Worship Conference 2006

pls take some time to see this video.. though it might take a long time to load.. but pls take a look... and after you take a look, go to http://worshipconference.blogspot.com/ for more details... or u can ask me..

2006-08-13T23:13:00.000+08:00

im here again.. juz to tok abt saturday.. went out wif some of my cell to watch fireworks.. crashed elize buddy group.. haha.. thanks for letting me crash...my 1st time being a crasher.. so fun... oh ya.. the fireworks was really really nice.. the finale was great.. did manage to take a lot of pictures due to my phone that keeps lagging... unlike kevin who juz got a new sony ericsson 3.2 megapixel cybershot camera phone which has a realli good flash and does not lag at all.. i so want that phone... haha.. but still manage to get 1 good shot...

kind of like this picture with the bus below the blast.... haha.. well.. after that we went to ben and jerry's for ice cream...my 2nd time eating ben and jerry's and its also wif my cell.. haha.. love my cell so so so much.. oh ya.. i juz found out i ate ben and jerry's for 2 saturdays in a row.... wow..

oh ya... pls go to http://worshipconference.blogspot.com/ and check it out... another event thats going to happen on 8th sept.. juz click and see what is it lor...

been thinking a lot abt the being in SA thingy... shan't elaborate abt wat i was thinking.. but i want to make this time at SA to be fun and fruitful.. but i dun seems to be able to do that... everytime i hear abt how people say that they enjoy thier JC life.. i get real envious.. i dunno why does my jc life turn out to be liddat... is this a test or do i realli have to change?.... nothing seems to work... i know that God has place me in SA for a purpose.. but it seems that i cant seems to catch it.. realli pray that i can keep my eys focus on Him for strength wifout anything trying to stop me or bring me down...

schools starting in a few hours time... not realli keen on that.. and im missing my cell already.. cant wait for next sat... but have to get thru this tough week 1st... with the heal the world concert on tuesday and many other things...

2006-08-12T00:40:00.000+08:00

i don't want to miss a thing - areosmith

juz going thru youtube.. and the saw this video...though its so old... but then its still a great song... lyrics at the bottom...

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Yeah yeah yeah

I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

I Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
the sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
And I don't want to miss a thing

2006-08-07T12:27:00.000+08:00

dunno how long since i last blog le... as u all can see... i hav changed my blog skin... haha.. able to blog now because im sick.. then nv go school.. then got time 2 blog...
been seriously busy the past few weeks.. having lots of stuff goin on everyday... the past few weeks has been like months.. all really super long..

some more memorable stuff frm the past few weeks...

racial harmony concert... got pissed of by quite a few ppl during the process of the concert.. and then its super tiring..

going to the red cros home for the disabled.. saw how blessed we are... with so much blessings in our lives aand yet faild to see it.....

MORE TO THIS LIFE... this was a concert like no others... it was a concert wif many 1st time.. its my 1st time dancing... 1st time a concert wif no instrument... and most importantly..1st time im performing for God...

my birthday... it was last thursday...
when out for lunch wif wei ying jerome and brandon for chicken rice.. thx for treating me... thw whole day wasnt such a good day... but the gathering at the kopitiam wif some of my cell members totally made up for it... i didnt expect them to even noe my birthday.. much less getting me a cake.. was really touched by the cake and the birthday song... thanks to chris, landy, elizabeth, nelson, anna, jayce and esther!!! thanks so so so so so much...

thank God for letting me noe kevin, esther, geks, jerome, wei ying, iven, sophie, anna, jayce, joshua K.... i wouldnt noe how would my life turn out if i didnt have them in SA.. it would defintely be more terrible then now...

thanks 2 geks and seow wei for the cards.. realli apreciate it.. thanks a lot...=)

thanks 2 brandon jerome and wei ying for their "presents"... haha.. thanks...

thanks sophie also... for her present...

and of course.. thank each and every1 who wished me....

on friday.. went out wif my black shoe society(brandon, yao feng, eugene, kong, delon, zi ming, and francis... kheng ming and aaron didnt make it )... they are the people who never fails to bring a smile on my face no matter how bad my day could get or how sad i am.. didnt see them for quite a while due to my rehearsals.. so was kinda gald to finally catch up and talk to them...

saturday... went sentosa wif elohim!!!... realli love the place... and also ben and jerry's ice cream.. had a lot of fun there...
sunday.. band concert... super boring.. reached home at 12pm... thats y was so sick this morining...haha...

did i ever mention how much i love my cell??? thank God for placing me in elohim.. to realli get to noe all these brothers and sisters who really care.. i could talk about my problems to these people wifout feeling awkward at all..it feels like i am toking 2 some1 whom i hav known for years.. though i onli know them for 4 months???... they are already like my extended family...
was thinking wat if i had join jessica cell instead?? then i would not hav known and experience this bonding that is shared in elohim.. it would hav been a totally different path for me... but im juz glad 2 be inside elohim!!! elohim rox!!!...

lastly.. happy birthday jerome.. and also to weiying for 2molo!!

"Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
forever i am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your Majesty"

2006-07-15T22:04:00.000+08:00

... its come to a point where it realli doesnt matters anymore... no matter how hard i try... it really doesnt work... so yup.. im juz goin to giv it all up... im not goin to care.... if this is how u all want it to be.. so be it... for those that tried... i thank u... but for the others... i dun hav much 2 say... juz dun come and mess wif my life anymore.. it not goin to make a difference wif u all in it or wifout it...

i'll juz treat the past 4 months as a nightmare.... a really bad nightmare.. but finally im waking up.. i hav ppl who really care to help me wake up frm this nightmare... im not going to try 2 make this nightmare into a sweet dream..

2006-07-09T16:43:00.000+08:00

been really bz lately.. having to go home after 10pm for more then 3 days a week... well.. im not complaining.. cuz im doin sumthin thats realli meaningful.. but juz feel very drained out after the week... but when normal school starts.. i be much much more bz then now...

so.. what hav i been bz for??... the ans is....

in case u cant see... its a performing arts event by Chapel of Resurrection..

its on the 30th of july ( sunday).. 4pm to 6pm.. at SAJC cultural centre...

what will i be doing???.... hmmm.......... i will be dancing... yes... me... dancing... so if u want to see me dance... or laugh at me dance... come down on the 30th of july.. oh by the way.. it will be a hip hop dance... those that are in SA will hear more abt this soon... yup...

there's MORE TO THIS LIFE than taking common test and failing them...

2006-06-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

... its been a long time since i last blog.... so yup... update...

the last week of holidays was.. crazy... was realli busy... finding onli 2 day to study... but it wasnt really productive.. so also equals to nothing... haven realli been studying my whole holiday... was juz having fun... siaoz la... CT sure die...

not used to writing chinese word on the 1st day of school... so weird... then summore muz write so much...

hmmm... is back to school again...i noe life is not goin 2 be easy... wif all the things tat are repeatedly happening even before the holidays... but i noe wif God... i will pull thru it all...

it realli amazes me that Jesus will care about any1 who turns 2 Him.. He answers listen 2 all our problems.. and answer our prayers... when we are nothing... we are unworthy of his attention... but He choose to die for us... to redeem us.... He died for the ppl that put Him to death... who will have such unconditonal love for people other than Him?...

forgive me if this sounds like im tryin to convert u into being christian or sumthin... its juz my opinion... but if u realli wan to feel His love after reading this.. feel free to contact me.. =)

"Who am I without Your love

I cannot live without Your touch

You hold my hand and walk me through

All I need is You

Who am I without Your love

I cannot breathe without Your touch

You make me complete

I bow at Your feet

For me You came to die

Who am I?"

34 more days to salvation for many... i hope....

2006-06-14T18:04:00.000+08:00

wanted to study 2day... but i really cant study at home... so didnt even touched any books...and i became so bored and i started to blog... haha... i think im going to fail my common test real real badly... for the past 2 weeks and three days.. i did not study at all!!! how many topics and subjects im taking... and i haven even touched any of it... so left with 1 week and 4days left for me to study... and i hav like 5 of these days occupied already... so ya.... hope i still can anyhow anyhow pass the exams lor.... but shldnt be easy... cuz everybody says that JC is not like secondary... u hav to rely on consistency... and thats sumthin i dun hav....

got this story frm an e mail chain... ya... so here is it...

-----------------------------------------------------------------

One day, when I was a freshman in high school
I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him and when i help him looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives. "He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came , and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! he just laugh and pass me half pile of the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.

When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never change it He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was top scholar of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.

He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.

He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.

I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life...For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.

Look for God in others.

------------------------------------------------------------

the part when kyle was tripped by the boys.. and he was feeling so down... was like how i was feeling at that point of time... i felt that there was nothing left to stay on in SA... nothing left for me here... i dun see the point of holding on anymore...

thankfully... i was saved too...by frens who show that they care... and that theres still sumthin left for me to hold on... and for watever problems that im facing ... and even if im unable to solve it..... i still hav sum1 left 2 fall back on...

thank you geks, coll, bran, iven, lin ze, huimin, shiyun and many others who had help me... ur small little gesture of giving me encouragement or juz askin me how i am had really help... thanks...

2006-06-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

ok... it really has been very very long since i last updated... around like 3+ weeks?!?!
haha... okok... got 2 events which has been interesting....

1. saints orchestra camp.

though this already happened like 2 weeks ago... its still quite fresh in my mind...

co was so boring the few practice b4... and i was half tempted not to go as i tot it was equally boring...
however... it was totally the opposite of wat i expected.. the camp was really good in the end... it was more like a chalet.. where we actually played mahjong and able to eat cup noodles in the middle of the night.. we were sleeping in air con room... and also... there was no such thing as lights out... we could stay up as late as we want if we really want to.. and the best thing was.. which camp has a morning wake up call at 8am??? ......during the camp... some of us came out wif a lot of nonsense about CO politics... tokin abt who is who... haha... and then form a new clique... its called.... sda... haha... it doesnt stands for anythin.. but then it really help many of us to bond 2gether...i never felt that this orchestra was really a family until the end of this camp.... i realised that wat God had plan out for me was amazing... i thought my life had reached rock bottom after i was kicked out of council and wif nothing left in my life at SAJC... however.. He once again showed me that its not the end.. there is still sumthin for me left in this school that i shld stay and hold on to.. once again he showed me his mercy for all the things that was against me...

"once again i look upon the cross that You died
im humbled by Your mercy and im broken inside
once again i thank You, once again i poured out my life"

the second thing that was so impt was... METAMORPHOSIS!!!

it was the name of this camp which was to prepare us for the concert at 30th july...
the 2nd night was fantastic....
... i was feeling a burden thats in my heart...somthing thats holding me... something thats stopping me frm having a clear mind and heart.. i dunno why but i felt all the sins that i have done.. all the wrong donigs that i hav.. it juz keep pulling me back.....

during worship.. there was a call for those who felt sumthing holding back frm giving everything to God... to come out to the front and kneel before Him... as it was exactly wat i was feeling.. i went up and kneeled down... at that momnet.. i juz started crying... and i juz cried and cried and cried.. its like... for all the time during the past 2 months that i said that i worship God... it juz wasnt totally frm my heart... and i was felt that im realli not worthy to be called His child... and for the many things that i have done wrong... and all the sins that i hav commited..it juz all come back to me... however at the same time... all this was like lifted off frm my body... and i noe that God has forgiven me for all the wrong things that i have done.. He had never once blame me... and for that very once... He really spoken to me...He touched me deep within... and i was ready to give up my all for Him...

the name of this camp couldnt be more appropirate... metamorphosis menas change.. and i was changed from that very moment on...

the power of God is truly amazing.... nothing can be compared to it.. now im praying that using God's strength... i could get alot of people 2 go to the concert... so that more people can be touched by Him... like how i was....

"so i lift my eyes to You Lord
in your strength will i break through Lord
touch me now, let Your love fall down on me
i know Your love dispels all my fears
through the storm i will hold on Lord
and by faith i will walk on Lord
then i'll see beyond my calvary one day
and i will be complete in You"

when we enter this world, we cried and people rejoice, live a life where when we move on, people cry and we rejoice..

2006-05-28T22:32:00.001+08:00

oh crap... my stupid phone.......... argh.. cant believe it... its like im using halfway... then suddenly.... it juz hang!.... and then when restarted... it read..." phone start-up failed. Contact retailer.".... crap... then when i go and fixed the phone 2day... they said that all the phone mermories will be earsed... argh...

okok.... so this is a plea to all those that read my blog......if u have my no.... can u pls msg me wif ur name? add ur birthday in also...my no. is 8___7___ (to all stalkers out there... if there is any.. haha... but i doubt so la... who will wanna stalk me... but anyway... u cant hav my number!!im not that stupid to post it on WWW) so i will msg u when its ur birthday.... thanks... im so sorry 4 this.... but its not my damn fault... stupid phone...

gettin the empty phone back on wed...

.... theres few ppl that i realli wanna thank... durin that realli horrible 2 weeks ago thursday 2 sunday...

lin ze
thanks so much for listening 2 all my problems and stuff...taking up the whole of ur break time juz to sit there...... thanks...

gek shan
hey... i noe it seems a little selfish of me not 2 share any of my problems... but i promise u that 1 day i will ok?.... and thanks for being there for me whenever i needed encouragement...

joshua cheng
josh... thanks for even bothering to msg me and ask how am i... and also... thanks for bringing me to COR and elohim... thanks a lot...

cheng jiat
thanks for tryin 2 giv me advice abt how i shld deal wif the problem... though many of them hav already been tried and failed, but thanks for even tryin to help me out...

xiu hui
thanks for msging me abt how i felt... thanks for tryin......

also, I thank God for helping me past this whole week......

"im coming back to the heart of worship
and its all about You, its all about You, Jesus
im sorry Lord for the things i've made it
ad its all about You, its all bout You, Jesus"

2006-05-20T00:39:00.000+08:00

what have i got 2 do to make u care?
what have i got 2 do 2 be heard?
what have i got 2 when its all over?
what have i got to do? what have i got to do?

i realli dunno wat i hav 2 do ... its juz not workin... no matter how hard i try, or how relaxed i been... it juz doesnt work.... nothing works...
what have i got to do?

i cant stand this anymore.... each day in school is juz a torture... no matter how hard i try 2 fake a smile... no matter how i try to be happy... its all superficial... deep down im hurting.. and its has been like this for the past 2 mths....

everything juz seems messed up in my life.... regret that i actually went to delibrately screw up my interview.... regret of not being able 2 change how things are goin now...

life in SA is juz screwed... im juz waiting for the final bell to end those lessons... each day the burden juz add on and on and on... it doesnt stop... it juz keep pilling up and up when its already up to a level where i cant handle...

i realli cant do anything about it... i tot that as long as i try... as long as i be a part... 1 day... it will be fine....

how wrong i was... how seriously wrong i was... things juz get worse.... i noe that there is sumthin wrong wif me..... i dunno wat the hell is wrong but i wish i knew... so that i can rectify it....

nothing seems 2 be going my way.... i noe God has it all plan out for me and this is juz wat God had wanted it to be... but its juz affecting me 2 much... no1 else cares abt wat im feeling...wats bothering me... wats been stopping me from being my usual self... no1 else in this world cares....

wat have i got to do now when its all over... when i realli dun feel like tryin anymore?.... i hav lost all hope le.... after 2 mths... maybe its time i giv up..... its time 2 juz let it go once and for all... but how do i get thru this 1 and a half years more if i juz let it go???... life will realli be meaningless then...

no matter how hard i try to stay positive.... i juz cant... im a pessimist in nature and i cant change that.... i noe that many ppl out there will be thinkin.." wats his problem?".. like why the hell am i behaving liddat and everythin.... do u realli think that i like being stuck in this waist deep shit and tryin to solve the problem out even though it juz keeps happening repeatatively every single day... it juz come straight into my face each day... i cant blocked it...the only way i can is not 2 come to school.... but i cant do tat....

its juz not wat i expected...things change...people change...and im left alone once again....

2006-05-17T21:35:00.000+08:00

need i say more?

haha... yes!!!.... ok... muz start from begining... when i first arrive... and we look at the banners that RJC put up... i was shocked... they have a banner that was about 4 storey high!!!! and 2 other relatively big banner.... and all we have was a small banner that say" the Unbeatables"...

start of the game..... SA scocred a fast 3 pts from a free kick... then RJ manage 2 get a touchdown but miss the kick...... end of 1st half..... score: SAJC 3-5 RJC

2nd half is where all the drama unfolds... RJ force thier way to another touchdown again..but miss the kick again... making the score: SAJC 3-10 RJC

at this point... the match seems to be over... RJ was strong... there is 1 guy who still can move when 3 SA ruggers was there 2 block him.... and after that touchdown, RJ was relentlessly attacking... and keep attacking...

however... when it was near the SA line... there was a break and we manage to pull the ball back 2 half court... frm there... things started to get better... we were attacking and RJ was defending... and so we pushed on and push.... and a touchdown!!!!.... the kick was accurate... so the score was: SAJC 10-10 RJ.....

this was when everybody started 2 become high... we were cheering wif 1 voice... go SA go SA go.. bring them down! bring them down!... the team SAJC spirt was really there.... u realli can hear the eagerness frm each and every voice there....

everything was happening fast... then SA got a free kick... which was kicked really near the RJ line.... so from the throw in... we pushed on and on... and then.... the players managed to pull the ball across the line!!!!... touchdown 2!!!!... the crowd when crazy... everybody was jumpin arnd... and then the free kick..tough it missed... but straight after the kick... the final whistle was blown... SA had won!... SAJC 15-10 RJC!!!!

every1 started 2 run to the pitch to celebrate wif the team.... we were champs!!! after 17 years!!... well as the small banners say.. we are indeed, the unbeatables!!!!!.... SA SA... the best! the best!

after that was the prize presentation....

after the team recieve thier trophy... we crowded arnd them as we sang the school song...

Lives are in the making here,

Hearts are in the waking here,

Mighty undertaking here,

Up and On! Up and On!

We are arming for the fight,

Pressing on with all our might,

Pluming wings for higher flight,

Up and On!

Up Saints! Truest fame

Lies in high endeavour;

Play the game! RUGBY!

keep the flame

Burning brightly ever!

this was when i felt all that i have felt for SA during the 1st 3mths comeback 2 me again... i realli want to be a saint at that point of time and im realli glad to be 1... to be part of this great family... one family unbroken... from the college hymm... its not whether you are from the rugby team a not... it not important... its abt being as a college... as 1 big family... as team SAJC... i really learned a lot at that period of 15mins.... i learn about wat was it about being a saint... wat was it to be in this college... wat was it to be part team SAJC....

was kind of sad seeing the house council ppl, linze and trix and all the other councillors spurring the rest of the school population to cheer.... knowing that i can never be able 2 be standing there 2 motivate the rest of the school population to cheer on... well... i brought it upon myself isn't it?... when i had a chance.. i decided 2 screw it up.... its all my fault in the end...sort of regreting it now...

okok... some word of thanks again...

thanks to colleen for those words of encouragment again... realli appriciate it.....

also to elias... thx......

thanks 2 brandon, colleen, john chew and some others for being my enthu partners for cheering durin hockey match...thanks for cheering wif me... as i know that i will not hav the chance once u all become actual councillors... but then.. it was realli great to cheer wif u guys... we were realli loud that day....

and also... thank you mom!.... mother's day juz passed..... though i noe that u wouldnt read my blog... but anyway... even though sometimes its realli hard to take in all ur nagging and scolding... i noe that in watever u do... there is onli 1 basic reason... and that reason is for MINE well-being... its really weird to say this 2 you in real life... but there is sumthin that i want you to noe... is THAT I LOVE U MOM!!!!!! seriously.... wifout you... my life would be even much more empty than now... the song "1st" realli describe how am i 2 u....

1st- by taufik batisah

You taught me to be wise

Showed me how to do things right

Never once you left me blind

Always write me oaths

Each time when I am down

Never thought about yourself

No one will ever be

The angel you are to me

Everything I have,

Points to you...

I'm the first on your mind,

Each and every time

What more can I ask?

You've done your very best

I'm the first in all you do,

I'm complete because of you

There's so much that I must do

To live my dreams... wif you...

sianz

2006-05-10T20:34:00.000+08:00

dunno why.... but im depressed again... was tryin to make myself feel better since last week... but it realli failed miserably...

everything has been goin downhill since monday... lots of bad stuff keeps coming... 1 after another... it juz doesnt stop does it?

the songs played in CO is realli boring now... and theres absolutely nothing left in school for me 2 look for now... its more of a chore to go 2 school...

the harder i try, the worse it becomes, why shld i bother to try anymore?... it juz doesnt work... watever i do... it seems useless... where is this goin to lead?

feel that no1 will be there to catch me when i finally fall... its not goin to be long till i hit rock bottom... hard...

im still hoping that i can solve this once and for all...... to clear up everything......to start things all over again... to make everything right once again.....but it seems impossible... time is not goin to stop... it juz goes on and on.....

no matter how hard i try to put on a smile... try to make jokes to make myself happy... take part in everything... it juz doesnt work...

2006-05-08T18:24:00.000+08:00

council nominees are out... and im not in it... regrets? not realli... cuz i still cant choose between council and CO... but god has made a choice for me... and im happy wif that... anyway... CO rox and percussion rox....

some word of thanks:

to colleen... thanks so much for the encouragement... 1st time that anybody write 3 whole page in my tagboard to cheer me up =) ... it realli made my day.... thanks so much.... and good luck for ur council elections... will help u campaign in this 2 weeks...

to geks.... thanks for trying so hard 2 make me cheer up... despite you haven so much of ur own problems... thanks a lot... now its my turn 2 help u le... haha... anyway... dun be 2 sad abt the council thing ok?... we're in(or out of) it together... so cheer up =)... at least we dun have to button up our tie button everyday when we come 2 school...

to brandon... hey bro... i juz wanna tell u that i hav never ever forgotten about this friendship that we had... all the panda and bamboo and sugarcane jokes in sec 2... eating wif u and eugene at S11 after exams and tokin for hours even though we had papers the next day... watching wedding crashers at bishan.... going to the library and studying for o levels till 9+++pm.... calculating how much u need 2 earn so that u could have a football team... all the vincent wank jokes that u all made... goin to aaron house 2 play xbox and "kaolak" the enemy...wanting 2 do the "1 buddy meal!" thing at KFC... clapping in the cinema when total defence win the virus... playing strip carom wif the black shoe society in the council room... running through the rain when we went back to maris stella to get our testimonials... playing majong wif kong and yf and delon and km and eugene in hejun house durin christmas... goin to wheelock place and try to wake the guy up wif stupid sounds like "kaaminnaa!"....i will never ever forget all of this... things might have change in JC... wif all the different time in lessons and stuff... there's sumthing that never change... and that is u being one of my best fren i had in my whole entire life....

the best things in life always comes free, and many of us would take it for granted... i hope that i have not taken any of my frens for granted....

green!

2006-05-02T19:00:00.000+08:00

tuesday... the longest day of the week... end school at 515... then went to eat tau hua... then go home...
nothing much happen at school 2day... other then the usual lesson and stuff...

shall tok more about monday...
woke up at around 10+ and went out for breakfast... before we went out i was deciding wat shirt to wear.. and i decided on this "innocent looking" green shirt...

turn out to be the biggest mistake of the day....

after that, we went to suntec city... where there was a milo promotion... wear green and queue up.. u could get a free tin of milo...

the whole suntec city was filled wif people wearing green in colour... and there i was....looking like one of them..... when i didnt even wanted 2 collect the milo....

so i was there hoping that no1 that i noe was there at suntec...

like some kiam peng ppl liddat.....

i think that more ppl wear green on such an event then red on national day... it means that people like free gift more... i think....

2006-04-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

went to church in the morning... the song "how great is our God"is playing back in my mind now... very nice....

after that, me and iven went to east coast park for CO gathering, but in the end, when we go there... onli 5 ppl ( jeremy, yuan ing, kenneth, sin yee.. janice came a little later....)... was like damn sianz la... then i pang sei iven peh sze kiat as i stayed there but he went home... im sorry hor.... paiseh....

after playing big 2 ( or dai di or the card game that ppl use to gamble.. if u still dunno wat is it... then i suggest u to find a wall and bang on it... how can dunno wat is dai di!??!)for a while, we go play soccer... juz pass around the ball... but then we kept hitting the ball at a tent... wif ppl in it... i think that the people inside are damn pissed la... but we dun care....

then later we played monkey wif the girls... then also keep hitting the ball to a group of ppl on the table... damn funnie sia....

went cycling after that...

saw jaslyn BANG!... the white specs was realli hard 2 miss : )...was quite suprised to see some1 that i noe in east coast park... as i wasnt realli expecting any1 to be there ....
sorry to speed off after juz saying hello... haha... but then was wif the co ppl hard 2 stop.. sorry again...

took this picture on the bike... the person wif the white bag is jeremy... the person beside is janice, then got 2 person in front, cannot see clearly.. is kenneth and yuan ing...

after cycling, went to parkway parade to have dinner.... was dicussing wat songs the CO could play....(* note... non CO ppl can skip to the next paragraph as you realli would not understand wat im goin to type in the next line).. we are goin to play yao zu wu qu, long teng hu yue and fen yong qian jing... hmmm... play b4 yao zu at marist CO le.. shld not be a problem... but long teng and fen yong muz train....

then we slack around until about 9 pm.. then took 135 go home... look through the brochure given by chapel of resurrection( COR)... dunno why, as i was reading the part about elohim.. suddenly felt like wat esther had wrote, weare not just frens but are a family... though i have onli been there for like 4 meetings?... in case u dun noe wat is elohim....thats mine cell group... or soon to be...haha..

sianz

2006-04-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

when to CO in the morning, was sort of a feedback session... then we talk about the things we were unhappy about and all those... then there was also a celebration session.. mdm hue cook lots of stuff for us to eat....

then later went for cell group... was quite fun playing blindman buff and wink murderer

then after that i came home... yup.. thats all....

2006-04-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

nothin much happen today... wanted 2 do tutorials... but ended up chatting the whole afternoon away.....

after the tok by mrs lim, i decided that i shall try for council... why?... for the nice nice testimonial... council looks nice.... but however... if i cant go in, i wont mind, cuz i still like CO :)....

things that muz do durin this 3days,

sat:
go CO
go cell... no time 2 do tutorials

sun:
church... then go out... no time to do also...

monday:
do maths tutorial, do chem tutorial, do GP thingy, do PI!.. siao la... cannot finish sia....

2006-04-27T19:43:00.000+08:00

nothing much 2day... all the normal school thingy... then went out after school wif matt zhen mei fang nigel qi jun... eat fish and co... thats all....

6 days and 21 hours left to make a decision on whether i wan to join council a not.....

oh ya.... to those that heard about colin and kero.. heres their blog web. http://www.colinandkero.blogspot.com/

if u dun noe wats that... go check it out...
well i got 2 say tat they are realli brave to say it out 2 the whole world that they are gays... kero wrote this on his blog:

if you're a straight guy. how does it feel to get married with another gay? if you're a straight girl. how does it feel to get married with another lesbian?

disgustin right. despite how kind-hearted and good-lookin the gay or lesbian is?? still very disgustin right?

exactly. precisely. that's what i tryin to say. is not i dun wan. is i cant. just like you. we cannot defy what our body and mind want.

well... i never thought of it this way... we might view as being together with the same sex is disgusting, but then they might view it that being wif the oppsite sex is digusting... well... its a matter of opinions in the end....

anyway.... dun discriminate gays... they cant change wat they cant... try 2 accept them... if u cant, juz avoid... dun discriminate...

okok end of post.... but b4 i sign out.. 2 things 2 say....

happy birthday xiu hui!!!!!
happy birthday munling!!!

2006-04-26T18:13:00.000+08:00

time is running out fast.....

interviews are starting.... im quite glad that mine is scheldued for next week thursday i think... as wat brandon told me... but then... its still a short time for me 2 make a decision...

where did the passion of wanting to join council go to? when did i view council as 1 of the main piority of my life in SA?

its all gone now.... i dun see council as sumthin that i realli need 2 be in....

everybody has been saying... "follow ur heart" or " choose watever that makes u happy" or " juz try la, if cannot go in then cannot go in lor"

i dunno wat my heart wants. i dunno wat makes me happy.

and if i try then heng heng (or suay suay, i wun noe now) go in, then i dun feel happy inside , i cant back out... cuz once u join u cant quit, its a lifetime obligation...

wat shld i do?.... shld i juz screw up the whole interview?

i realli dunno.....

2006-04-24T23:14:00.000+08:00

well... didnt go 2 school 2dae... felt a bit sick 2 go.....

friday was eventful... CO concert!... though was quite pissed off before that.... but i realli had fun durin and after the concert.... i will certainly miss all of it... i am still deciding whether 2 screw up my interview for council a not... suddenly council does not seems attractive 2 me anymore...
nothin seems attractive at all... the onli thing that keeping me in CO is the ppl in there... sophie, yi jia, jeremy, yuan ing, shi yan, huimin, shi yun, sin yee and many others.... its now the onli place where i can tell my problems 2... i cant trust any1 else now.... i dunno y.... all the ppl that i used 2 confine in has 1 way or another make me lose trust in them... no offence... but i dun wan 2 make the same mistakes again....

council was suppose 2 be a hip and happening... but looking at me now... i realli dun think im fit 2 be in it...im juz not bring myself... everything been quite off everytime... and im tryin to hold on to that last shred of hope... though it seems to be slipping out of my hands.... its no used grabbing to things that does not belong... but im still tryin...

sorry to the ppl that hav 2 put up with my stupid attitude...im realli sorry... sumtimes i realli
cant force a smile anymore.... im tryin realli hard.... u guys sumtimes can make me forget about all this and make me happy once again... but sumtimes as all of this shit comes back 2 me... i cant fake a smile and walk arnd like nothing ever happen... im sayin sorry now... cuz u guys always try 2 put a smile on my face... but im givin u this shit attitude instead... im sorry....

wat can i do???? is there anything that i can do which could bring my life back on track??? if u noe can u please tell me wat to do?? please....

2006-04-20T19:43:00.000+08:00

well... it seems like no matter how hard i try, and how tough i make my life exciting... its still empty as though nothing for me is worth living(or dying) for....

im lost in some weird place... when will i find my way out of here???

somebody help me pls....

2006-04-17T21:28:00.000+08:00

well... 4 more days to the co concert.... and i dunno wat i realli wan... do i wan CO or council???

its until these few days that make me see that i realli like CO alot.... as in the ppl there are realli realli nice...

been thinkin alot lately... thinking whether shld i stay a not... haiz

ok.. thats all...
anyway...
happy birthday tiffany!!!!

co rox!

2006-04-16T12:18:00.000+08:00

this time, this place
misused, mistakes
too long too late
who was I to make you wait?
just one chance
just one breath
just in case there's just one left
'cause you know, you know, you know

that i love you
i loved you all along
and i miss you
far away for far too long
i keep dreaming
you'll be with me and you'll never go
stop breathing
if i don't see you anymore

on my knees,
i'll ask
last chance for one last dance
'cause with you, i'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand
i'd give it all
i'd give for us
give anything but I won't give up
'cause you know, you know, you know

that i love you
i loved you all along
and i miss you
far away for far too long
i keep dreaming
you'll be with me and you'll never go
stop breathing
if i don't see you anymore

so far away(so far away)
been far away for far too long
so far away(so far away)
been far away for far too long
but you know, you know, you know
i wanted
i wanted you to stay
'cause i needed
i need to hear you say
that i love you
i loved you all along
and i forgive you
for being away for far too long
so keep breathing
'cause i'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and, never let me go
keep breathing
'cause i'm not leaving you anymore
believe it
hold on to me and, never let me go
(keep breathing)
hold on to me and, never let me go
(keep breathing)
hold on to me and, never let me go

this song is by nickelback, far away... got addicted 2 it the 1st time i listen 2 it... thx 2 geks and melly for intro-ing me this song... damn nice sia... the lyrics super nice...

ok.. as time is really super constriant , i think i can onli blog like once a week or sumthin??!?... my life has lots of up and downs now... sumtimes i feel so glad 2 be out and abt, but sumtimes i juz wanna sit at down do nth and think... i dunno wat wrong wif me... life's a little 2 busy... wif all the CO concert, PW stuff, hanging out wif frens, goin 2 church... i used 2 hav much more free time durin secondary... i dunno if i like this lifestyle a not... being active for 24/7... everythin seems 2 be in a mess, and i dun hav time 2 clean this mess up....

the week from monday to wednesday had been routine...nothin much interestin... i think im becoming more and more anti-social in school again... like how i used 2 be durin the 2nd intake... i dunno y...

thurday i went back to maris stella to take back our cert... went back 2 my 3E class and saw this:

we were painting a banner for our marist youth day... but we did not put enuff newspapers.. so this was the end product....been nearly 2 years since that happen but its still clear in my mind...
time passes 2 fast 2 be measured... i also heard that from my form teacher that 1 of my ex-classmates has started drinkin and smokin... i was quite shocked 2 hear that.... i didnt realli think that any1 of us will start smokin... well ... time waits for nobody, it juz go on and on and on and on... im juz 2 stupid and ignorant to see that... and to dumb 2 try and catch up... tutorials are left undone when 2molo starts, cuz i haven been gettin arnd 2 them...

good friday. when 2 church... in the morning... 9am...was gald that i went... i found out that jesus was also betrayed by sum1 that he trsuted, and his the people closest 2 him actually denied tat he had any relations wif him when he was prosecuted... kind of wat im goin thru now... ya... jesus understands...

after that was my chinese orchestra practise... i was quite pissed in goin CO at 1st... as i had my CG outin, my black shoe society outin and also my cell group outin at that time... but instead, i hav 2 go CO... ok.. then there was practice at the cultural centre... had fun playin wif the lights of the CC... quite cool sia...

after the practise, we went to hans at raffles 2 hav our dinner... i was tokin 2 hui min and shi yun when i told them that if i lucky lucky go council, i will not be comin 2 CO that often, might not even come for like a few weeeks at a go or sumthin, then i realised that SACO is actually a place that i like now... im glad that i didnt pon the practice on friday as it might be one of the last few practice that is goin 2 be on the CC le... and i will miss SACO a lot also... but i cant continue on no matter how much i wan 2, im already so busy now... wif council is even worst... but anyhow, saco rox and da ji(percussion in chinese) rox!! looking forward for our concert... will be playing wif all my heart!

saturday... went for CO prac again... was quite sianz as i was damn tired, and is normal type of practise... so nth interestin... went for cell group meeting in the afternoon, was realli fun, sharing abt our lives. chris said sumthin that realli make sense, "dun live because u find sumthin that u can live for, instead find sumthin that u can die for..." i dunno when will i find the sumthin that could make me die for... but maybe 1 day i will.. i dunno...

then after that we went to play soccer... was fun... but i injured my back and my neck... hurtin now... then we went for dinner at macs... went home at abt 10 pm....

this morning, woke up at 630am so that i could go for easter service at SAJC cultuaral centre... after then had fellowship breakfast and then i went home after that so i can do my tutorials but im typin this instead...i dun think i will do la.. 2 lazy le... drag on 2 next week lor....

so that was my week... 1 week, 7 days, im at SA..... its more like my holiday resort liddat... even public holiday i hav 2 go back....

back 2 school(again) 2molo... been wakin up early for as long as i could remember... i realli need a good break now....

2006-04-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

quick summary frm thurday onwards...

thursday... went back 2 maris stella wif brandon... ran through the rain... den in the end got damn damn wet...

got back to school in time 4 life concert... went wif the 5 hottests babes of SA( geks melly colleen jas and minyi) brandon, zhi cong, fredrick, yi jie....

eugene and shiwei nv go wif us... but are included in this pic.....

after that, went 2 eat bak chor mee.....

friday... nth much 2 tok abt... SYF, CO, eat wif black shoe society then go home...

sat... stay at home and sleep the whole day.... then go my cousin's chalet...

2day... went to church 4 the 1st time... fun sia...... met many nice ppl there.... ruth, esther, dawn, ming zhe, john, nat, bryan.......

yup... thats all... sorry its short... abit no time.... gonna post a long 1 lata...

2006-04-05T21:04:00.000+08:00

cant believe im actually typin this...

but since i was tagged... i shld write this...

okok.... gender: female( obviously)

1. we muz hav a mutual connection, like we can understand each other wifout tokin...

2. muz be shorter or abt same height, but prefer shorter cuz if wear she heels i become shorter than her... and dat sux...

3. non- smoker... i cant stand smokers at all... even if they are strangers, needless to say my girlfren...

4. muz not be too materialistic... cuz i dun like girls who spend money as freely as water... and also.. i dun hav that much pocket money... suck me dry also not enuff... haha...

5. muz always be truthful... cuz 1 of the worst pain u can every imagine is being decieved my some1 that u trust wif all ur heart...

6. cannot be 2 possesive...

7. character... muz not be arrogant, da nu ren zu yi( FCP), complain queen....

8. love me wif everything she has, like i will 2 her....

... hmmm... a bit lazy to tagg other ppl... maybe i will when i hav the time.....

okok... now abt 2day... kenna pissed off early in the morning le... the whole day was quite bad... then at the last lecture got pissed off again... feelin like shit until i tok to the 5 hottest babes in sa.... actually is 3( geks jas and melody) out of 5(+ colleen and minyi) .... then they manage 2 make me laugh wif their jokes... haha...feel much better after that... thx so so much!!!.... so glad im goin 2 life concert wif u all 2molo!!!...haha...

hope that my day at school 2molo will be fine....or at least ok... or juz make it bored... i dun want to get the f**kin shit feelin again... haiz......

anyway.... happi birthday reza!!.....

sianz

2006-04-04T19:55:00.000+08:00

f**k everythin thats happening now, i realli dun noe wat the f**k is wrong, every f**king thing that i do doesnt turn out right at all... cant stand this anymore... can some1 tell me wat the f**k should i do in order to get my f**king life back on track?

f**k la... everythin is so f**ked up now... my life, school, frens, every f**kin thing in my life is f**ked up...

2006-04-02T22:12:00.000+08:00

woke up at 930am today... was suppose 2 meet delon at 10am to study at the library.. then he pang sei me... so i went there myself 1st...

as i walk into AMK library... memories came flooding back... the times that was spent there durin pre-o level's...
studying at cafe galilee,
thinking words to subsitute pts for social studies...
calculating how much brandon muz earn in order 2 giv his future wife for shopping,
meetin colleen for the 1st time,
tokin crap wif ming xian at the indian corner,
listening 2 eric retro U2 ipod,
annoying lin ze wif my "empty apartment" singing,
seeing pok walk arnd wifout his shoes,
wondering how kok can keep his attention span for so long,
listening 2 marcus tokin crap,
the mocha java tsunami,
the "dear" at the cafe,
and all of us studying all the way till 8+ 9pm until the librarian chase us out...

those times were realli fun, though we were studying for a realli major paper den...
cant believe that 5 mths hav past juz like dat... it seems that all of that happen juz yesterday...

lata, kok and lin ze also came... and then eric and xiu hui and brandon... AMK is flooded by saints now...

ok... did a lot of consideration... but still cant make a damn decision whether shld i join student council a not.... im realli confused... i dun think i actually stand much of a chance durin election anyway...

back 2 school 2molo... though im not sure how it will turn out, i hope it will be ok... or at least i will try 2 make it ok... struggling wif life...

2006-04-01T18:34:00.000+08:00

update time... since pat says i nv update my blog... i shall update now...
okok...1st thing 1st: 2 every1 that i have either pissed off, offended, make u angry... im sorry... im really sorry... i cant always noe wat i did to make u angry... cuz sumtimes i dun noe wat im doin myself.. so if u find anithin abt me that pissed u off.. tell me... i will try 2 change for the better...

the past few days has been veri demanding physically and mentally and financially... money spending has been an all time high with all the graphic calculators and college t shirts and house t shirts... my knowlege in all subjects has been in at all time low..i have no idea wat is goin on durin maths tutorials.... and tutorials are pilling up fast... this has cost me 2 miss the match of SA vs MJ as i have to complete my chem tutorials for friday's lesson... but still, i am glad that SA won!... chichiwawa SA SA!!

theres still the SYF thingy, which further decreases my free time... spend our 1st lesson doin "sediya" and "senandiri"... so lame la....

o6s28 is really great now... i cant say how much i like the class now.. haha...to think that i hate my class so so much when i 1st saw it... its really irony thinkin abt it now..... to zhen tang, matthew, xiu hui, mei fang, qi jun, hui juan, mun ling, joshua, ming li, belinda, nigel, clara, zhang cheng, jolyn, theresa, eunice, wan ling, zhi en, zhi qi, ying jia, geok hian, fadilah, christel, jasmin... thx for being in o6s28!!!! we gonna hav a great 2 years ahead!... u guys rox....

not gonna say much about how my life when as u will definitely be bored 2 death if i told u.... my life is really not interesting at all....

this part of the post is dedicated 2 debbie...

went to the library of SA that day... then go search books.. abt the big 3.... and then i found this book...

ya... stalin... theres a few books abt stalin... 1 is called stalinism.... haha.. then wif further lookin... i found this....woots!... churchill!!!!! haha... theres also quite alot of books abt churchill... which are all fairly thick...

then i search and search and search for the last book... the book wif the name roosevelt on it... but no matter how i search... i cant find it!!!! haiz... seems like SA does not hav a book abt roosevelt... i am so interested 2 noe abt him... haha.... well... ya thats it.... haha..

2006-03-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

gotta say that o6s28 is realli lookin better and better everyday... realli enjoyed myself at cafe cartel 2day wif part of the class...zhen tang, matthew, xiu hui, mei fang, geok hian, mun ling.. thanks for the times we spend 2gether 2day...

durin dinner, we were tokin abt a certain junior college(im not gonna be so dumb as to say the name of this junior college and then get whack by ppl frm there) rugby team... and the joke of the day happen:

me: did u noe that alot of ruggers frm the rugby team got retain?
zhen tang: cuz they miss the 'm' and go to far and go 2 'r'... instead of mugging they go rugging.. 2 bad lor...

... im now proud 2 say that im frm o6s28...

ok... some last words...

can see the picture up there?... ok... our st. andrew's junior college chinese orchestra is havin a concert....
frm the pic the 4 big big chinese words at the top stands for... sumthin, sumthin sumthin and.........sumthin......well...i cant read it...cuz my chinese sux...but its juz the name of the concert....not impt... but if u dun mind checkin the dictionary and find out wat it means, i wont stop u...

cost $5( cheap cheap!)
date: 21th april, 2006
time: 7:30pm to 9pm
venue: st andrew's junior college cultural centre

im writin this like erm... abt 1 mth b4 so that u can keep the 21st of april date-less so u can come 2 the concert!...

2006-03-27T17:23:00.000+08:00

2day was the 1st day we had a proper cg lunch!!!! 23/25 which is equals to 92% of our cg actually went to macs to hav lunch 2day... which was quite suprising realli.... i nv expected so many ppl to go... o6s28 is finally lookin much better... and im begining 2 like it more!!!

in macs, there was a little boy frm SAS... sec 2... who harrassed zhen tang when we were eatin... he was standin outside the glass, lookin at zhen tang.... then zhen tang was sayin" i feel intimidated" and all those.. make us laugh like siao.... below is a picture of how the boy look like.....

yup... and thats zhen tang actin cute... while the boy doesnt want me 2 take his picture...

o6s28.... 2 years will go past very very fast, muz treasure the times we will be able 2 spend together ok?... though we still dun realli noe each other... but im sure we will get along realli well...i hav faith in this class....

ok... 1 last question 2 ask.... i took this picture at kovan....

why?!?!?? y is adventure fark cuming our way?!?!? why?!?!?

2006-03-26T18:19:00.000+08:00

if u hav been comin 2 this page regularly to look at my new post~~( but i doubt thats likely cuz who the hell in this world cares abt my life~~), im sorry that i hav been unable 2 update cuz i have been quite busy this few days...

okok... so this is post is gonna say all the stuff that happen frm friday all the way 2 now....

friday:
2day i told gek shan that whenever i see the 5 hot babes, i will go "oh ah oh ah oh hot hot hot..." then when i do that time, she laugh like siao... got so funnie meh???

durin, chapel, when the college hymm was abt to be sung, i was askin my class 2 like put the hands over each other shoulders( SA culture) but then they all dun 1 dun 1... so i sang the college hymm wifout the feelin of " 1 family unbroken"... hope that my class can quickly bond... i really wan my time wif o6s28 to be fun, enjoyable, and united... juz like how og18 was :)
then we had presentation skill thingy today...then muz tok infront of the camera and stuff... think i look likt a bloody idiot in the video, do stupid sounds and everythin...durin that time i bonded a bit by a bit wif my class... tryin 2 find my place in the class and everythin.. and im still tryin... feelin that there is sumthin wrong wif my commucation skills or sumthin...i dun wan 2 make the same mistakes again, but then it seems like im still usin a wrong method....

after school, i had 2 clean up the canteen (read below post to see wat happen)... i swear that i had nv been so pissed 2 see an empty cup left on a table... is like see 1 cup then muz go throw... and hor... mr ho like forget that i do 2day... and nv come 2 check.. then like i do 4 nth liddat....

Chinese Orchestra was suprisingly fun!... it was realli borin at the start, when all the different section was playin by themselves... i play a bit then sian liaoz... and started slackin... i then tok 2 sara and theresa and ask them play wif me... but then they all very far away.. cannot hear wat they playin... then suddenly, zhang chen say all play 2gether wif tan bo yue( plucked string section... or to those that dun understand anithin abt chinese orchestra, its the intrsument that look like a round guitar and the pipa and those...) then i go crazy and ask everybody play 2gether... so we juz play lor.. and it was realli cool... wif no conductor and everythin... and we still can play so suang...

after that... i met some of my hei xie hui( kheng ming, bran, delon) for dinner, but then bran came wif weiying and ernest( sum1 frm his class...) and we went 2 eat 1st cuz delon and km was late... at the hawker centre, an incident happen...

*when we were eatin*

mixed rice auntie[ in chinese]: u all sececondary wat ar?
me[also in chinese]: erm... JC 1...*me thinkin^^^^wa... do i realli look dat young??*
bran and weiying: hahahaha!!!!!!
weiying to the auntie: he(refering to me) look veri young hor??
auntie: no la... u ALL all look veri young...
me: hahaha!!!
weiying: really meh??!?!?
auntie: ya
weiying(lookin pissed and tokin 2 me): u dun blog that ar?
me: i dun care lor, so many ppl say i young, but ppl say u young 1st time... haha...

so weiying!!! i did blog it... haha... let the whole world see....

ok... then lata i meet kheng ming and delon and we went 2 macs....brandon was doin MATHS homework in macs.. omg... all ppl so mug le... i damn scared now...i still stuck in slackers club...

saturday:
went to CO in the morning, was 30 mins late....cuz i didnt want 2 go but was force 2 go... so i "ya ya"( take my own sweet time in hokkien or teochew.. not sure) walk to school.....

after CO, some CO ppl(jeremy, shi yan, aundrea, yi jia and some others...~~actually the rest i forgot their name.. so sorry if u stumbled onto this... but will try to remember in the near future~~) went 2 PS and eat lunch... we ate KFC and tok lots of crap there... then we wanted 2 play pool but no where 2 play so go home... realli a no life saturday... no prgramme 1...

today:
woke up at 7:30am to play soccer wif my brother and his frens.... luckily no heavy rain...
after that, we went 2 compass point and eat KFC(again!!!! i swear that im not gonna touch KFC for at least the next 2 weeks)...

back2 school 2molo.....

ok... so thats the end of this post... but a few last words( i said a few!!!)

sorry to weiying for blogging that

sorry to bran for askin him 2 go kovan

sorry to o6s28 for being anti social durin the first few days of this week

sorry to zhen tang for hitting him wif my belt buckle

2006-03-23T17:16:00.000+08:00

today started quite bad, cuz its chem lecture and i still dun hav my notes... and the whole lecture was damn borin, no1 2 laugh wif when the teacher pronunce some words wrongly... super sianz...

then there was the phototakin... we tok lots of crap durin tat time and next are sum examples:

zhen tang: they all got photoshop a not?
me: think so, cuz they will edit 2 make the picture nicer
zhen tang: then they can edit, and change me into sum1 else?
ming li: wah, for u that 1 a bit hard
------------------------------------------------------------
zhen tang: the person after me suay lor, i so hot until i sit the seat will melt lor, then the next person cannot sit
------------------------------------------------------------
zhen tang: i scared lata i take all white lor, cuz i flash and the camera flash come out all white
------------------------------------------------------------
zhen tang: ppl after me take the picture sure blur 1, cuz i too hot le, take me le the camera spoil
matthew: i cool wat, then the camera see me le ok already, cuz they cant resist takin a good picture of me
-----------------------------------------------------------
then when zhen tang take the picture, he act cute and we all cant stop laughing,he himself also laugh like crap, and then the cameraman also laugh, so veri hard 2 take....

after that, there was the mindef tok abt NS.... veri sianz also...

NS tok lata is the dicipline tok.... then after the tok they ask all boys go out, then we were wondering abt wat was it abt.... then actually there was a "bra tok"... cannot be coloured and all those stuff.... stupid sia... haha....

next was the worst part of the whole day.... after havin lunch at macs, we went back 2 school 2 slack a while, then i saw 2 boys wearin sch uniform playin basketball... and i tot there wasnt any teachers arnd, i decided 2 join in... i was playin for like 1 minutes+ onli when suddenly:

mr ho( frm second level): those 3 boys in uniform!!!! come over here now!!
me( walkin over): wah siao... so suay ar?!?!?!?!?

mr ho: u all go to the PE room there and wait for me

*walks to PE room*

mr ho: u all noe wat u all did wrong rite?
us: yes
mr ho: write ur name on the board here, u all hav 2 do canteen duty...

ok... so i hav 2 do canteen duty 2molo and on tuesday... so if u read this pls dun dirty the canteen 2molo hor...i need 2 clean 1 leh!!!

3 inportant things 2day:

1.i am really damn bloody suay... play 1 min+ then kenna caught le... suay like siao.... haven even sweat yet lor

2. i vow 2 brin a pe shirt everyday!!

3. shes also a left-hander!!!!

oh ya.... ming rui!!! happi birthday!!!!!!